Today as i was reading a selection of blogs that i tune into (if thats the right words) on a regular basis , one in particular got under my skin... not in a bad way, if you can understand this but in a totally good way because it made me look at the past and opened my eyes a little to what had not been there.
In the past i had been in other M/s relationships and at first i had given myself wholey to a person calling themselves Master, trusting in their care and their ways that i would be looked after and i wouldnt be used, and broken.....but nobody is perfect (least of all the men i seemed to have attracted) and as You know i attracted some pretty rough people in my life.
Each of the relationships i gave trust in but i guess i took it back bit by bit as things went pear shaped....i wanted and craved love, however alot of the men i came into contact with wanted to have a puppet....a door mat and although i prided myself in my submission i also look to see it as a balance. (for some reason none of the others really balanced)
The easiest way to describe what i am trying to would to be to take myself to my Master that i have now . i would like to say i submitted to Him straight away 100 percent, but, i have to say i know i didnt. yes i listened to Him but i was scared to let go of the edge of the cliff as such and fly for Him....i was scared of getting hurt and giving Him myself totallay....not that there was much of me left to give for i had destroyed alot of me along the way. He however is a patient Man , and for some reason didnt give up on me even when i gave up on myself. and certain things and ways we do things. He has to be the most patient Man i have ever met when it comes to explaining things .......and finding the correct way for my brain to process things. yet He is no push over and will not let me get away with being a bratty bratt and pushing either. (yup i tested there as well (sorry)).
So what makes Him different to the Masters/men that i have known before........Simple though it took me long enough to realise it .......He loves me , and therefore i am safe to give myself .......all of myself to Him 100 percent . yes i know at times He will mess up....but He is man enough to say that He has done it when this has happened and not sit on an egotistical pedastal waiting to fall off , because eventually i would realise that He wasnt the God i thought He was. (you do not know how much more special this makes Him in my eyes. )
it has taken a while as i said to get to this stage ..........and i know there will be other spanners from the past that get thrown into the path that we choose to walk on , but if i trust and hold His hand , or follow Him we can get past them all.
The blog that i read which inspired me to write this all said about the role of love................to quote the last lines.....................
"He could not shape me without love. And I could never have shaped those I dommed without it; what business would I have had in their deepest selves if I did not wish to understand?"
i do not domme anyone, (apart from maybe a husky) but finally a missing puzzle bit fits in and i understand why the other relationships didnt work , because the love was not there, and onesided it would never balance........
How can you care for something totally if you do not love it . You will never have its best interests at heart.......thankyou stolen for opening my eyes , and thankyou Master for loving me.
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .