Saturday, 22 January 2011
Nightmare on my street
The reason for my wakefulness this time, another nightmare.......how i wish they would just go away and not comeback, but this last assortment are being stubborn and seem to like stalking me in the hours of sleep. Now i dont know if this batch is brought on by my latest tablets of antibodies that i am taking , or if it is truely that it is the nightare season for me , but i could do without being transported back to my mother's funeral and seeing what could only be decribed as a mini cine film of me getting up and reading the eulogy to the people in the church, only to see them turn into all the people that have ever been abusive in my life , and the coffin turns into five more with my children in three and my Master and father in the other.
Like a scene change i am transported back into my grandparents bathroom (incidently the five coffins follow and float macarbley on the bath.....funny how size of things is not relevent in dreams) and my grandfather is there infront of me again , abusing me with his special "family love" , then holding my head up so i can see my mother watching and the childrens biological dad abusing them on video monitors like they had in that police safe house.
It is at this point i manage to wake up, normally in tears ............safe with either my bear or Master by my side......Safe with the knowledge that it is just a dream. and i survived the reality, and yet that reality helped to make me the strong person that i am today and i am a survivor.............so why on earth is sleep so troubled at the moment.
Analystically my brain has sorted through the mesh of thoughts and ideas that hover there and pulled out these reasons...
1) was it the new meds and because i was ill
2)was it that the anniversay of my mothers death was approaching and subconciously i was not dealing with it again.
3)was it that a person in my life had poured out the fact that she had been envolved in a ring of people, that should never been allowed to live ( in my eyes) ,and although she had not abused anyone she had shared to many details with me about the police case and not tried to put a stop to it earlier.
4)or was it just a combination of all three ..........or none of the above.
What ever it was i wish that i could just change channels and drift back into the realms of dreams that do not bring the past back so visciously, but until this happens, i guess i will just have to remember on waking that they are just nightmares and the only harm those people can do to me now is with the power i allow them to draw from me.
So by blogging this i am hoping that i have truely put it to bed ( forgive the pun) and tonights sleep when it comes will be fruitful without any past death trying to steal away all that i love from me . i am resisting the urge to go poke Master and my son at home to see if they are awake and instead i am going to lose myself in a game until it is time for the real world to wake.
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .