Saturday, 28 May 2011

i want to see the sunshine after the rain

 Yesterday was a long day... the lovely weather that W/we have been having has left U/us and it is periodically raining (hard) Somehow i feel drained and low at the onset of the clouds and darkness that they bring , although the garden desperately needed a long drink of rain water. O/our flower beds have all started to come out in bloom and look wonderful., and Master drove me to a garden centre and helped me pick loads more so it is (or well be) a bright flash of colour even on a rainy day.
Still though i can not get rid of the tiredness that i am feeling in my body and self and i feel half the time when i wake in the morning that i want to turn over and go back to sleep again. There is no reason for this, i have been eating the right foods and exercising .....i have been going to bed on time , and not even managing to read my book before my eyes get to sleepy to keep awake. i can not understand why i am so worn out.
Maybe it is the general stress of the world about us , added with the lack of sunshine, but no i was tired before the rain came.
i feel guilty saying any of these things ... i have a good life with people that care about me... i guess like anything else the darkness will pass and the light will shine bright again soon... and i myself should know one can not have light without having a shadow or two
happy blogging folks

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Invisible walls that will come falling down

 When i first met Master, i used to think that my communication skills were quite good and that i could discuss anything with Him, and not have any trouble explaining myself. Looking back i guess i was very rusty, and sometimes, (that might be an understatement) i still can be. Just lately i have had what i guess is called a writers block. i wanted to blog about something but i couldn't find the words to write it down. Every time that i read what i had started to post i deleted didn't feel like me and i didn't , or couldn't express how i felt inside. Allot is going on in O/our lives at the moment ... and i had unconsciously put little barriers up to keep me safe, forgetting that there was a Person there who already looks out for the family and i 24/7.
In my little transparent prison, (because this is what it became because i didn't talk to Master about it straight away) i began to reinforce it with thoughts like "i can not talk to Him about it now. because i should have done so in the beginning" and "i have to sort this out myself and He will be proud i have " i started to have arguments with myself. ( now i really sound crazy)........
Through all of this He watched me ...and waited for me to say what was truly troubling me ..not the little things i kept poking up, not the snipey remarks and the appalling behaviour that was not very slave like ...and certainly not the bursting into tears that He got.
It all came to a head yesterday, an we had one of those conversations that went in a round about way to sneak up on the problem that i had buried and just about lost.. so skillful was it that i didn't realise W/we had reached it and released it till i realised that i was crying and pain that i had stored in my heart was being released.
The problem
There has been a number of health issues in O/our family over the past decade .... my father has had a triple bypass , my brother a double one , and my mother has died of a heart attack.......On top of this my dad has battled with cancer and won then had it return ...He has just finished another bout of chemo and still is not right. This i guess in itself had been a stressful time and still was.... and then Master got called back to the surgery  from His health MOT that He had to go to.
Immediately in my mind i was terrible to everyone because i was scared of losing Him. , i kicked of big times at the slightest little thing and in many ways i was scared to be me because i was frightened i was going to be without the Man who means the world to me. In my brain i saw the list of things that we had planned to do in  O/our life as the children got older getting forgotten about ...i dreamt of bad things and i didn't want to  not have Him about. i was scared. i pushed people away.....i was angry because my blackboard with the strike marks on it had been forgotten and sat blank... and i wanted there to be big thick lines on there to say everything was normal and nothing was going to be going wrong.
After talking with Master and Him being able to so carefully get the problem out into the open i realise that i was so wrong to do all of this, but i can only promise that i didn't do it on just happened.. and i am ashamed. i have been warned that the cane is going to be in use allot more if i do it again, to the tone of 50 strikes or more across my backside and i have to pull my socks up. He has stepped up giving me things to do..and for that i am grateful... and as for the Dr's well i guess W/we both will have to wait to see what happens . Often this is the worst time of all.. the waiting ... i should know this, because when i had to do the wait for my precancerous growths that i had removed ,  and the results to say i was in the all clear, it took for ever and then some more.....and there is nothing anyone can do to make it any different .
Anyhow enough waffle
this is why i have been quiet
have a good weekend

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

well, i am greatful anyhow....

Today has been a mish mash of happenings and one of those days that nothing seems to get done. It started by oversleeping and getting woken by my father phoning.... "specially to tell me that he had remembered who a road was named after, and why..." Then  he remembered it wasn't  me who had asked him.  It seemed i spent the whole day chasing to catch up with the extra hour and a half i was late up with.
Part of the trouble that i am having at the moment is that i think W/we need a good thunder storm.....The air at home is so close and i am not sleeping so well as i have been. Also when i do sleep Master says that i am snoring badly again,( a sure sign that my asthma is not in good control , but then i knew that already as there is privet and laurel out and it always makes me feel like a run down battery. W/we have an added alarm as well , because a feral cat has decided to be a pain and is squatting in the garden....that in itself is not so bad, but it insists on yowling all night. The dog is even looking tired ( as she thinks she has to be on guard all  night)
Today has ended up with me having to clean out the laundry cupboard .... because middle son went in there to get some spare chair covers to go with the old settees that should be leaving tomorrow, and jumbled all my piles together . Ahhh well ... it acted as a little meditation as i refolded all those sheets etc.......Son decided he might come and help only to play parachutes with the sheets and in the end i had to laugh but it depleted my power supply and energy that i had left even more.
On a positive note , i consider myself lucky that i do have laundry to fold and a house to store it in. I am glad i can walk...and that there is still an inner child in me that allows me to see the fun side of  a big king size sheet being a parachute, and landing on my six foot something mini adult like a giant ghost.
i am grateful i have my family and home. There is no place like home.

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Which way

 While i sifting through O/our reading books and my folders the other day i came across a little gem of a quote  that i can remember being given as quite a young adult when i was learning reiki and some other crafts that i practice .Well not so much of a quote but  a statement .

What is the way

The way is your daily life .. it is awakening your mind and seeing your true nature. It is letting go of the attitudes and expectations of others so that you may enter the stream of your own destiny, flowing with the wellspring of all possibility. It is a life that sunny or cloudy brings joy to your days .. a life where you do what you like and like what you do by being who you are and not what others have dictated. The way does not ask us to be what we are not, but to be more fully of what we are.

i spent along time thinking about it's meaning when i first heard the above piece of writing, and i guess you can make it as complicated or as simple as you like , but i really did look at myself and decide what parts of me i liked and what parts i didn't. i looked at the way i behaved around others , and whether i was true to what i believed in or not. ( now here i am not just talking about aspects of my life , i am talking about me as a whole package. not just snippets ) and i tried to be a person that i would want as my best friend. 
So who am i and what is my true nature ? Would i still want to be my best friend if i met me now?
i think yes i would .....If i had have asked myself this question about five years ago , quite possibly ( well definitely ) i would have had to type  a different answer on this page.
i am saffy a mum.... i will always be this now. 
i have had the honour to give birth to five children, and gained two more by default from my Master. Two of  the births  were miscarriages.but they  were and still are part of the tribe i call my family. ( and thye live on in my memory) The children are young adults now , carving their own path in the forest of life....but i will always be their mum and they will always be my children. I love all seven of them with my heart, and i am proud to say i am a parent. i dont always agree with the ways they do things, and sometimes they have had me in tears with their behaviour, but equally they make me smile and laugh .... so i am balanced. 
i am saffy a Wiccan
Yes my love of nature and energy feels comfortable with being this way. i get sad at times at people's attitudes when they know the path that i follow with my religion, however over time i have learnt that it is their problem , and not mine. i see nature at work all about me, and i feel the pulsing energy.  i can only hope that in time the people that matter to me will realise that i don't worship the devil.... i don't believe in him...i am not evil but i do believe in balance and you have to have dark to reflect the light. Note though i also follow the Wiccan creed if it harms none then do what you will.......easy to say.... not so easy to do. 
i am saffy my Masters slave.
i am so proud to be His and i hope that i can teach the world about with my actions that being who i am is not something that he has bullied me into. It is not about play and having the hell beaten out of me , it is far deeper, and has a balance that keeps me safe and secure. i still have a mind but to be true to myself and the way i am i choose to submit to Him. It is not always easy, but life has taught me if you have two leaders and no one left to follow very soon we get lost.
i am saffy with dyspraxia
i get my left and right in  a muddle , i have the worlds worst memory, ( or so it seems to me at times) i find it hard to learn to do things , that perhaps others take for granted. i find depth perception really hard to judge, and i could go on listing all the aspects of dyspraxia that i have. ( btw cassie you asked me why i don't have Master's blog linked to my own....its simple i am not that good at computers and i have not yet worked out how to do this) 
i could list all the different aspects of me down here , but i won't,  i will end this bit of writing by saying that i am living and being me again now , i did have  a time in the past that i forgot to do this, i am lucky i have a Man in my life that encourages me to be whole and complete. Whose guidance and steady love and care will help me have no regrets over things i have done because He allows me to satisfy a burning desire inside .
hugs and light 

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

plans that go astray

The weather is over caste and muggy today, and really does not feel very nice, but that hasn't stopped me from enjoying the time that i have had out and about with Master.  
This morning W/we had to deliver my father to the hospital for another mini op. i dislike hospitals , and will will be glad when W/we don't have to frequent them as much as W/we seem to have done just recently, however i appreciate the sterling job the Doctors and nurses do in making U/us, O/our families and people well again, or at least more comfortable. 
After we had left my father at the hospital, Master and i set off to get Himself a haircut and to pick up my meds from the pharmacy near home.... This wasn't so good because somehow the chemist had left half the order behind for my medicine and then Master didn't get His haircut either, as the barbers that He likes was closed for training. 
W/we did however get a lovely lunch out. Master had seafood platter , salad and chips.... ( a meal that i originally had wanted but on arrival realised that i would have preferred Masters, as there was far to many chips and battered pieces of fish  on the plate  for me to enjoy it)  i had Shepard's pie and vegetables .....( Master's choice for Himself which he allowed me to swap on noticing that i would have preferred His. ) The food was nice............i love vegetables and really enjoyed it.  It was made even more special for me because i shared that meal with a Man that i love with my heart, mind body and soul. and who loves me back. It is good knowing Master knows my body well enough to realise that i wouldn't have enjoyed the seafood as much as i did the Shepard's pie.We also got to look in some more shops after lunch, and got some other odds and ends.
i appreciate the times and the memories that i get to make with my One. The life that W/we lead is not always plain sailing , but then i wouldn't want it to be. ( i don't think there is one person that does have a smooth relationship all the time)   When it is rough, it is the small things that W/we did together today, that make it easier to find calmer waters, get back to plain sailing and straighten out plans that go astray.
hugs and light

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Thursday, 5 May 2011

eyes and bees

Some years ago when i first met Master He threatened to a catch wasp to sting me in a rather delicate part of my far that hasn't happened , however after today i am rather relieved and perhaps a bit more dubious than i was before.
Because my father has kept bees for so many years now i guess i have developed a laid back attitude towards them. With all the hives that he has ( and there are many ) i have managed to walk past them on many an occasion and not ever get stung.....stand underneath a bee swarm as they flew over head , feeling the pulsating energy as they gathered on a tree and not get stung, and even watch as he opened numerous hives and removed the supers and not get stung.
As from today though that has changed middle son was mowing the grass about the hives and came in just before lunch to say that he had a bee stuck in his head (yup he got stung) and could i remove it...(he wasn't that calm as he has a healthy phobia going on over them due to mowing through a wasps nest when he was younger, and because they fly and are a similar shape that bees are, bees to him are on the same scale of not liking  as wasps are ....)
Lunch came and went ....and i said that i would finish the grass off.. , however Master being the gentleman that He is said He would do it instead. Well off He went and i guess in the back of my mind i was listening to the mower as i was washing up and tidying down... and decided to go and watch Him ....
Mistake....i stood quite quietly , away . (i thought) from the three hives .....and watched Master cutting the lawns near the pond ...and was so engrossed that i failed to see that a bee had landed on me until it decided to commit suicide and stung me.  :-(  Now  i immediately reacted to this by swiping it off and got another couple tangled in my hair....and through the panic that was beginning to settle in, i heard  a bellow from Master telling me to get inside now............Never have my feet moved so fast ...stopping only to allow my father to remove the bees from my hair (that didn't sting me i have to add) and sneaking into the bathroom to inspect my face.  Five minutes later and i heard Master arrive indoors.... i burst into tears as shock set in and wanted to snuggle.
Bee hives can hold between 40,000 and 80,000 bees and once you have been stung it is natural for them to protect their hive the only way that have...Master thinks that it was probably the vibrations of the mower that set them off ... . Its not as if they are aggressive as i said, this is the first time i have ever been stung....and i feel sorry that i helped a bee die.The sting itself didn't hurt that much , it was more the shock of it all.
Thinking about it now i am at home, a slight thought springs to my mind , i really do think that Master has eyes in the back of His head because i thought that He didn't see me standing watching...He obviously did, and he was still looking out for me even though He was busy.
hugs and light to all

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

smile please

 Yesterday saw O/our family ( well at least the part that lives at home) on a day trip to a seaside town, to behave i guess like tourists do and have a day of general fun. We walked a good long distance and i managed to capture a few beautiful moments for my memory book on my camera. A few of them made me smile at the time that i was taking them, as it portrayed Master with O/our son playing on remote controlled lorries....What i didn't realise is that Master had taken a picture of me while i was having my turn....and captured the concentration as i tried to take the lorry round the course...and the laughter as once again i got left and right in a muddle and crashed it. Two different moods , seconds apart, doing the same activity, but on the same face.
It taught me how open i  am with my emotions and how i don't hide behind that wall that i used to...and strangely enough i like them (i hate having my picture taken most of the time) as they show the real me and not some face wishing that the photographer would hurry up and take a picture.
The other funny thing that happened while we were out was that we all took turns of having O/our photos taken in the funny billboard things with drawings of people on them and their faces cut out so you can stick your own head in that situation........Well it  is a good job that Master didn't realise what had happened whilst i was sticking my head in one of the lower ones, as the wind had caught my skirt and lets just say it is a good job that underwear was worn this day or there would have been a full moon  during the day. The actual picture that was taken only shows me with my hair blowing all over the place....and a very red face.......but i know the truth of what was going on behind that board.
Thanks Master for  a wonderful family day out.... Time and laughter build happy memories for us to hold onto and brighten up the day . Memories created today will help keep us strong for the next dark things that passes O/our way.
Loves You
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Sunday, 1 May 2011

one mans rubbish is anothers treasure

 Today has been beautiful and hot, and Master and i have been on a treasure hunt as such....For sometime W/we have been doing O/our garden (and my father's) and have now reached the stage of putting a splash of colour in them, so Master decided that it would be a nice idea to go to out to a garden centre and have a browse about for an instant colour fix. .
On the way there , we had a diversion to a craft centre , firstly to look to see if they had any resin to create the chess set that Master is making.....and to explore the other units that were closed last time we went. i love that place, it is like a treasure trove of all things to create and make , with modern day art stuff in one unit, textiles and kites in  another , antiques in  another etc.
Firstly we had morning tea in the coffee shop , a tiny double espresso coffee for Master, and a peppermint tea for me, plus a generous portion of bake well tart......This was served in a rustic barn of a tea room , rugs on the wall , pine tables etc, and some wonderful chamber music playing on a disc. There were homely settees in the corner and allot of pottery and homemade wares to buy. (plus a few toys and books dotted about on other shelves to add to ambiance. )
When W/we had finished this Master took me to the model making centre to see if His resin was in stock, sadly it wasn't, but i got lost in looking at the models , dolls houses , remote controlled cars , and did i mention dolls houses....They had about ten made up ones and every accessory that you could want for them..........and my heart went back to my childhood , when i had one ....(sadly though i broke it as i tried to use it as a chair....and i was only three at the time , so maybe i should have  been forgiven....) my mother also owned several dolls houses and used to make the dolls for them for  a posh shop in the city some miles from my childhood home. She always had orders for them.As a child i longed to play with her perfect little houses and arrange the furniture etc......but to no avail...she wouldn't let me touch so much as a rug.
Master talked to the owner and found out that they didn't sell resin anymore ...and so we left and went onto the garden centre...When we arrived there , it turned out they were having a car boot sale there as well. On the first stall we came to, Master came across a kodo cane.....but refused to pay the price that was being charged on it...and then i saw on the next stall the man was selling a dolls house......It was a fraction of the price of the ones in the centre and it needed allot of work done on it to make it into my dream house, but it was a dolls house 1/12th scale .....
i have said it before and i truly mean it my Master spoils me ...for not only did He buy it for me....He also found me two Fred flour shakers for my collection , and managed to purchase Himself a far superior cane to the one on the first stall....and a coffee peculator that goes on our stove. W/we could have spent days in that place examining the goods and finding treasure.........oh and yes we also got two brightly coloured plants to go in the garden as well and two beautiful dining room chairs for a next to nothing price. Master has promised me that W/we will go back at a later have another rummage.
i have said it before and i will keep on saying it , i was truly blessed when i met this Man i call my Master...never in my whole life have i been so spoilt...not only in what He gets for me , but for the way that He cares for me and the way that He knows me, inside out. Loving Him is easy , because despite being the Boss , He takes notes of  things that helps me , and the things that i love , and adds them in my daily routine....i do not need ropes to bind me to Him for my heart, my mind, my body and my soul is His to own   and with Him i am whole, His love holds me tighter than any other bondage ever could. i am proud to be His girl.
i hope all you people in bloggy land had a good day
hugs and light

ps i think Master has found a cane that i can love :-D

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .