Wednesday, 23 October 2013

The Surprise

 Yesterday  Master took me out to lunch ( no that wasn't the surprise) He ordered for me, chicken with asparagus, new potato and peas.. It was delicious and i felt very spoilt. He also got me a green tea for beverage which was nice and refreshing . ( warming as well considering the beautiful sunny morning had decided to rain. )
After this He decided that we should take a walk in the town that we had arrived in...........And directed me across in the area of some old fashioned shops, one of which happened to be a jewellery shop. Pausing at this ones window He asked which ring that i liked and together we chose my wedding ring.
We have been together for eight years and counting , and engaged for one and a half of these, but i really hadn't known this was what He had planned for the day. i was very close to tears ( of happiness) .
There was just one ring that i saw sitting in the middle of the other two, made of red and white gold in a spiral band pattern, and when the lady took it of the tray , and He tried it on my finger it was a perfect fit.  This was just as well as it was an antique and the only one of it's kind in the shop. Due to its unusual pattern it couldn't be altered in any way and it was the one that called out to me.
Master went off to the bank , leaving me with the lady in the shop whilst He got the cash to pay for it (the card machine was off line in the shop ) and she asked me where i met Him. i had to say on line but i couldn't remember what site ( i didn't think that she was up to knowing that it was fetlife.....) and thankfully He was not that long , so i didn't get asked any more questions that i would find hard to answer.
Now all we have to do is wait for the list of dates that both daughter and son can attend it , and then book it and we will be getting married. He wants to do it before the end of this year apparently. i couldn't be more happy, and it is a beautiful Yule present for us both and a great way to start the new Year. Best of all it is a welcome distraction to the illness that i am dealing with. i am blessed.
Hugs have a great Wednesday

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Lots to think about

 After completing the first of what is turning out to be a long list of appointments , the nurse helped me to understand a little better some of the hiccups this body of mine is having. i cant say that i feel any better for this, but i dont feel worse , and i guess this is a positive thing.
Master helped allot the other day by allowing me to do some simple things like make sandwiches for Him and get Him a drink, and not wrapping me up in cotton wool. ( i am the worlds worst patient that i hate sitting still and resting, but i promised Him that i wouldn't go decorating the house or anything else that is major if i could just be allowed to do something .)
It 's weird, the things that we take for granted so much , like doing the odd thing to make Their life nice and stable , or getting that odd whack on the backside is missed so much when it is taken away because of illness. i personally dont get to feel complete without it.
Have a good day all

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

safe spots

 safe spots

Laying spread across the bed
 my skin prickles and mind focuses as i wait
Your voice commands and controls my head
and confusion once again becomes straight

Pain ripples like electric through my mind
i feel the bite of the dragon cane 
The touch of it has to be cruel to be kind
i know its part of what keeps me sane

Counting out loud for every stroke i thank You
Needing and longing for them to burn
Until i am lost in a fog, only Your voice  can guide me through
Teaching me, Loving me all the lessons i must learn

Listening now to Your heart beat 
Your arms surround me , my heads on your chest 
 my love is like a circle so whole and complete
i am safe......i am in the spot i love the best. 

Written for M. K. my beautiful Master Bear
with love from saffy  14/10/2013

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

in the middle of the night

 Had a really bad night last night, i spent most of the night watching/listening to Master sleep and being strangely comforted by the rise and fall of his chest, and while the world outside was waking in bold anticipation of a new day, i felt tired and wanted to crawl back to sleep (again) . i know that laying there awake has done me no favours, but i am just worrying again about hospital visits and appointments. ( It seems with Master's illness and now my own we have spent a long time in these places  the past few months and i would like to think that it could come to an end, but the medication adjustment and the silly blood results have taken care of that again. )
Worse still i know that while the results are not good Master will not allow me to indulge in any play, or hard sessions and my body is craving for his touch and the kiss of our toys. Yes He cuddles and keeps me close, He is strict with trying to keep me focused on the positive things of our lives, but i miss this side of things. ( i know i am a brat .... but this is allowed here cos it is my blog.)
i think my biggest disappointment is that i feel as if i am failing Him, ( He will not like me typing it, but i have to because this is how i feel) While the meds and tests leave me worn out and wanting to curl in a ball at His feet, i can not look after Him and care for His needs and it distresses me more than i can explain.
So here is the plan.
i have to go today and get more blood samples done so they ( the medical people) can understand better how my body is reacting to what is going on and what they need to do next. After this i am going to try and find things that i can be cheerful about and not look at the mess they normally leave behind on my arms ....Remembering to be thankful that at least they are looking after me and know that there is a problem.
i am going to try and rest when i am told by Himself , and not think that i am super girl and can run on  little or no sleep, after all when Master has been poorly i have had to look after Him and do my chores.. It is allowed to rest, and that way i will get back to serving Him quicker....... and normality
i am going to concentrate on creating and writing and looking up things that will help make us feel good and accept that i am human and some days i will need to sleep more.
i am going to remember what He told me last time  that i have the worries that i am not good enough for Him... that He chose me i wear his collar and i am His custard.. His girl.... It does not matter what i cant do only that i am trying the best i can be to be the way he desires. ( After all he only wants what is best for me.)
So if i remember all of this i will be able to get through it all, and i guess the other thing that i should write is that i am going to carry on blogging  , and not hide away............
Have a good Tuesday all

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Today has been a day where i wish i could have slept it away.. There could have been several reasons for this but i just refuse to focus on them at the moment. Instead i think that i will focus on the positive things. i am still about and i haven't managed to stuff up in a major way today, although there has been several blips :( .  i managed to make time to make bread this morning and the rolls did rise beautifully.... so why is it that i have this little niggling doubt in the back of my head that wont go away.
i know that i have to redo blood tests tomorrow and last time the nurse who took the blood was not the best and dug the needle about loads.. i know that i feel as if i am not getting my projects done much at the moment... do to feeling  so rough and tired.... and i know i am not coping with the reaction that i seem to have got with the med change last time that is still not going away.
Master is brilliant at reassurance and making me laugh and i am trying not to dwell on things .. so i think i will go and create more things like knitting or sewing.
Have fun all

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Friday, 4 October 2013

cake , music and writing

 Last night we had a thunder storm. Not one that just does a couple of ripples of thunder and then disappears, but one that crashes and bangs around for hours and lights up the sky like a flash going off on a camera. i was in bed, and reading, but the sky was more fascinating and i did debate in my brain whether to get up and watch it. ( Not that Master would say anything if i did because He would understand my fascination of the elements as they cleanse the earth. )
At three am i decided that sleep was not going to come and the dog was upset so i went and sat with her, and i think we both curled up together.
This morning it is like the storm never was ( apart from a few damp places on the earth and it looking all nice and bright again), and it struck me it wasn't the only thing that  disappeared over night. The big knot that i have been carrying about with me also seemed to have vanished.  For a week or two i have been holding on to the fact that parts of the house have to be pulled about again to remove old furniture and be replaced by new... and i don't like it .
Fortunately Master seems to have got used to my dislike of new and has tried  to keep things running along smoothly without introducing new furniture but He really did need a new desk. Yesterday we happened to find a beauty while we out for food, and He brought it, today it arrived.. and i have to admit that it looks really nice, despite the worries that i had in my head that it wouldn't fit or that it would look all wrong. Best of all it is a proper wood one and not one of them chipboard ones that so often are found. Once again He was right.
He has also set me the task of finding out the recipe for the Yule cake and getting it finished this week so it has a good soak of brandy before the celebrations. Other things that are being added to the list is more craft work... ( i am meant to finish four blankets before December ) and calligraphy and music practise. It looks like i am going to be busy, but at least i will be focused.
Have a fun weekend all

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

 Yesterday was bliss in the fact that we took a whole day off with our grown up daughter and went to the seaside just to chill and relax. There was allot of walking , there always is on these days, and the wind was terrible in the fact that it didn't want to stop blowing hair in my eyes and mouth. i imagined Master looking stressed at the thought that it was going everywhere , but He was OK with it... ( normally He hates hair everywhere and mine has a life of its own now it has grown back.
He treated us all to a hot chocolate in a really old world cafe, and He had His latte. i think he was just enjoying being out with His girls, although i know at times He would rather it was just me and Him it was nice to see both of them messing about on the two penny arcade machines and winning nick nacks.
He surprised me in the fact that He went into the chocolate shop and brought me three different types of sweets... ( some Turkish delight... ( the proper stuff not synthetic), some bootlaces made from liquorice and some chocolate pudding jelly beans .) Once upon a time i would have eaten them all but now they are in little tubs waiting to be used as rewards and waiting to be told i can eat them. This stems back from a day a few  years ago when He was helping me lose weight and brought phish ice cream to see how strong the will power was. None existent, because i love that scream, and i thought it was a treat..... Never assume that the treat was mine to eat any more, i can still remember the disapproval and words that were given, so now  i have learnt to wait for the reward of being given the treat instead of just taking. He also brought me juicy pomegranates and sweet corn on the cob for my healthier side. i love these also.
The trip was a success i think and for the second night i slept with none of the nightmares that had been plaguing my sleep for weeks before this... i say second night because Master had woken me up and sorted my body out in the middle of the night, the day before , ensuring that i had enough reminders on my body to keep me happy and feeling safe , and that i wouldn't forget who was in charge. There is nothing like an aching part of the body to make you owned and cherished.
It would have been nice to have brought some shellfish back with us fresh from the sea, but sadly there has been links to it being the cause of some illnesses that have been going on so this was a no no and it didn't happen... but better this than have had a week ill and unable to do anything or longer .. especially with the new meds being temperamental at times still.
hope everyone is fine this Monday

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .