in the middle of the night

 Had a really bad night last night, i spent most of the night watching/listening to Master sleep and being strangely comforted by the rise and fall of his chest, and while the world outside was waking in bold anticipation of a new day, i felt tired and wanted to crawl back to sleep (again) . i know that laying there awake has done me no favours, but i am just worrying again about hospital visits and appointments. ( It seems with Master's illness and now my own we have spent a long time in these places  the past few months and i would like to think that it could come to an end, but the medication adjustment and the silly blood results have taken care of that again. )
Worse still i know that while the results are not good Master will not allow me to indulge in any play, or hard sessions and my body is craving for his touch and the kiss of our toys. Yes He cuddles and keeps me close, He is strict with trying to keep me focused on the positive things of our lives, but i miss this side of things. ( i know i am a brat .... but this is allowed here cos it is my blog.)
i think my biggest disappointment is that i feel as if i am failing Him, ( He will not like me typing it, but i have to because this is how i feel) While the meds and tests leave me worn out and wanting to curl in a ball at His feet, i can not look after Him and care for His needs and it distresses me more than i can explain.
So here is the plan.
i have to go today and get more blood samples done so they ( the medical people) can understand better how my body is reacting to what is going on and what they need to do next. After this i am going to try and find things that i can be cheerful about and not look at the mess they normally leave behind on my arms ....Remembering to be thankful that at least they are looking after me and know that there is a problem.
i am going to try and rest when i am told by Himself , and not think that i am super girl and can run on  little or no sleep, after all when Master has been poorly i have had to look after Him and do my chores.. It is allowed to rest, and that way i will get back to serving Him quicker....... and normality
i am going to concentrate on creating and writing and looking up things that will help make us feel good and accept that i am human and some days i will need to sleep more.
i am going to remember what He told me last time  that i have the worries that i am not good enough for Him... that He chose me i wear his collar and i am His custard.. His girl.... It does not matter what i cant do only that i am trying the best i can be to be the way he desires. ( After all he only wants what is best for me.)
So if i remember all of this i will be able to get through it all, and i guess the other thing that i should write is that i am going to carry on blogging  , and not hide away............
Have a good Tuesday all
hugs
saffy





the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .