Wednesday, 29 June 2011

for my Master ......

 As Your birthday draws closer this year Master , i have to admit to feeling a little sad in the fact that i am not able to get to the stores and buy You all the things that i want to get You,
WHY?  because a broken toe limits my mobility more than i thought it would and even trying to prepare a task from the garden has become a mammoth task.
i desperately want to show You how special i think that You are and thank You for being there for me , and giving me guidance, and as i can not get You anything else and You already own me i hope that You will accept this poem from me with  love.

Who are You

A Man that is my lover
And cares for me like the most precious of jewels
Who satisfys me like no other
and chases away my blues

A Man who is my friend
Who makes me laugh, and i can trust
 Whose companionship i can depend
SomeOne who supports me without a fuss

A Man who is my Master
A Man , who always has my best interests in His mind
Who has the ability to make my heart beat faster
And is gentle passionate and kind

Who am i

A girl that loves You from deep with in
Who has given  her  body to You
Who loves it when you mark her skin
And guide her the way you do

A girl who loves You with her mind
And bends her will to match with Yours
Always looking forward never behind
 Learning  lessons that life teaches her with the help of You

A girl that loves You with all her heart
Treasuring each step of this dance of life she takes with You
 Recognising the spirals of O/our energy tangled, never apart
And pouring her love into everything You ask her to do

A girl that loves You with all her soul
Who is Your warrior, Your clown , Your slave
Who knows that pleasing You is her main goal
And wants to show this with every action she ever gave

i love You my Master with all i was , all i am , and all i ever will be .......happy birthday ...


the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

 You don't love a slave because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her.

 i was reading through blogs this morning and this quote flew out of the page , and hit me in the face as so to speak. In my life time i have always struggled to accept the fact that anyone could love me . ( i am it has to be said allot better than i used to be.......)  i am still learning to accept love from anyone , and my mind at times can twist things round and tell me that i am NOT beautiful or cared for even now.
Master and i have worked hard at this problem, some of it was done subtely by Him. .... some of it openly and some of it done by me because i wanted to show myself i was not that scared little bit of dirt that i could have easily remained if i hadnt have crawled and climbed back after the abuse that was given to me.
As i was grown up, i had my fair share of abuse.....ranging from a mother who didnt understand that i had disabilitys (and if she did was scared of them ) and so took every opportunity to point out how i was a clumsy and useless girl, who was so ugly that no one could love me, to a wanna be Master who did everything that he could to break my spirit.
It has taken me a long time to get to the point of looking at myself, and realising that i am beautiful, and i have to admit at times a comment (even said in jest ) can knock back a chunk of that new found  love and growth of me. BUT i am getting there.
Why/how ? Because of the patience and care of my One... because as the quote at the top of this blog says you dont love a slave (and take out that word slave if you want and replace it with any other person or animal) because she is beautiful........she is beautiful because she is loved. Love it comes in many some cases it can seem tough at  times.... love can be a hug. love can be  caring enough to write down that chalk mark, correct that mistake, can be allowing another person time away to bond with another .........It may not always shine through or be in your face .....(like the young romances that teenages have of puppy love)  but it "IS" here in my relationship.
i consider myself cared for and i am extremely lucky,  I AM BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE I AM LOVED. not just by my family friends and Master ... but by me.
thankyou cassie for including that quote

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Monday, 20 June 2011

Father's day

 Today  in the UK it is father's day.......  i wanted today to be perfect for  my One, as He is a Dad, but,it is also my name for Him when we are not being formal, "Daddy." ( it kind of seemed like a perfect day for me to be able to spoil Him rotten. ) After helping my son get Him breakfast in bed and completing my chores... Master had His bath, and then a while later we listened to music and briefly checked the emails , then we took my father out for dinner at a pub that Master and i went to last week and had lunch at.
It was a lovely meal....the owners are so very good at caring for their guest and all four of us had a really beautiful time. There was much laughter and i know that W/we will use this pub again because of the lovely atmosphere.
i feel loved and blessed that i had my family about me and was able to have such a wonderful time , and i only hope that T/they all enjoyed it as much as i did. my big responsibility of the day was being allowed to pay for the meal, (something that most  people would take for granted but before i met Master i couldn't have done because the pay area was crowded and i would have been petrified to approach it even let alone try to manage my disability whilst getting the money out. )
i feel i have conquered another mile stone and am so proud ... thanks Master for all Your help with this

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Saturday, 18 June 2011

five minutes peace

Last night i spent a large amount of time watching the sky and listening to the sounds in the night as i waited to feel better after an asthma attack . As always , i enjoyed the peacefulness of the late for pub crawlers to destroy the  silence with their arguments and drunken songs .. and to early to have the mad rush that starts about five in the morning of people that have to drive to work. The time spent in a silent meditation , watching various shapes of darkened clouds and feeling safe , and soon my breathing felt better.
i am blessed to have a place i can sit in a nest of of pillows and blankets and watch the world go by, and feel safe.Ironically it is a place that our husky loves to sit or lay as well in the day.
Master and i went to a seaside town today , W/we didn't have time to see the sea ......but W/we did get to sample some of the fresh air as we hurried to the shop that He had to go to. He also brought me a lavender scarf.......made of cotton which feels lovely about my neck. Its light enough to use during the hot weather when you just need something small to keep the drafts away or cover up from the heat. Although it is predominately violet there are different shades on it as it has a kind of tie dye pattern to it.
Dad showed Master the gate that He has got for O/our garden and also the pattern that He is making in it of both mine and Master's initials ... It will look wonderful when it is finished , and it nearly made me cry in happiness that Dad had put so much thought into it and listened to what Master and i were discussing .
hope you all have a wonderful day

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Thursday, 16 June 2011

yellow nails

The other day whilst Master and i were at the grocery store, Master picked up a small bottle of yellow nail varnish.. ( i should add here that yellow is my least favourite colour and represents allot of bad things to me that have happened in my life. ) It wasn't just any yellow ... it was a  yucky canary yellow that looked ...urghhh.
Lets just say i loathed the colour and even the murky green was better looking than that neon brightness. i asked Him what the nail varnish was for and was told i had to wait and see.............
When the groceries were placed away in the cupboard the bottle of nail varnish sat there mocking me on the top of the fridge...and i decided to bite the phobia that i have of it ....and paint just one nail to see if it really came out of the bottle that bright ......Well i painted the middle one.. that being my longest nail... ( and please remember that i don't normally wear cosmetics of any kind here) and was horrified that it made my nail seem as if it had a neon sign painted on it.......Master saw my disgust and before i could reach the nail varnish remover He told me, "NO, it will stay on there now, till the end of the day" . i must admit i grovelled to be allowed to have it removed, only to be told no again and to paint another nail. Short of it was that i ended up with three nails  painted before the brain told me that unless i shut up i was going to get  whole hand done.
To cheer myself up over it ... i painted a black smiley face on one of them .......only to get a chalk mark for being cheeky.
i learnt something that day, Never paint a nail when you are not asked to do  it and never think Master is kidding when He doesn't allow for the so said nail to be painted. i still hate that colour and i am hoping that the bottle gets lost. Worse still i still don't know why Master purchased it in the first place .
hugs to all

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Sunday, 12 June 2011

i am an orange

 One of  the most wonderful fruits that i can remember having as a child was an orange. For some reason we only used to get them when it was Yule, as a pose to apples, pears plums and an abundance of soft fruit  that was always there when it was in season. See i had the privilege of growing up on a fruit farm, and enjoyed the many riches that were to be sampled by raspberries , strawberries , currants etc as they ripened but oranges were special.
Special to me because we didn't have heaps of them, and they remain so today. (though come to think of it we didn't get bananas that often either, but i never felt the same pleasure of them as i do citrus fruit.)
So why am i fixated on blogging about a bit of fruit tonight ... Well, i guess it is symbolic as part of a ritual ,being it is a piece of fruit i  peal and then share with Master.....There is something quite submissive in being able to offer Him a bit of the fruit that actually reminds me of so many childhood  memories of happiness , kind of like sharing the happiness with Him.
Another reason would be that it is a little like sharing one of the first plants that i managed to grow from a pip....( see i thought that maybe i could grow a tree and have an orange orchard like the apple ones that surrounded our house.........i was only young) Trouble is how ever beautiful it was to grow it was not going to survive outside in the cold winter climates in the UK.
i suppose also that i look at that simple fruit as a whole, but when you peal back the skin it is divided into neat little segments, a bit like all the different areas of my submission to Master......Each part making me whole when joined together. And you know what ...? i like being whole , juicy, a bit sharp at times , and on occasions a few pips that have to be removed before you can go on enjoying the tangy fruit.
So i leave with this thought and wonder what fruit you would be

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

poking that stick

 The last few days my mind has been full of thoughts of a certain "stick " that Master and i purchased when we were out and about at a car boot sale. It's not the prettiest of sticks, it has lumps and bumps all the way down it , and does not feel smooth the touch, and yet Master likes the feel of it in His hand. He says that it has a nice angle to it ....It is fair  to say that both of O/our life's have been not so brilliant  health wise since this purchase and it has not had the chance to be introduced to my bottom , ( or for that matter any where else on me) apart from a few quick taps......... Yet , i have began to have fantasies about it caressing me and bringing my bratty side back into order.
i actually want to feel how hard it can bite , yup., that's right me the girl who hates canes ....wants to feel this ugly stick on my person. i have desires in my twisted mind of taking it out in the car and giving it an introduction to my skin in a quiet lay by or woods , i wonder how many i can take until i use a safe word... and i silently wonder if Master is doing this to me on purpose so i really crave to see what this uneven twisted bit of wood feels like .
The weather here has been scorching hot , and we desperately need a good downpour of rain for a few days , but O/our flower beds look beautiful thanks to a team effort of Master, my son and i all keeping on top of the watering and planting . This year we even have pea plants, tomatoes , runner beans and strawberries . Sadly i was to late with my prep of the soil to get new potatoes.  The bee hives have had so many supers put on them dad has had bumper crops of honey , however because of the dry weather we are having will probably not yeild so much produce next time
hugs to all

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Your Million Dollar mind and body

For my Master Banker :-D(written with love and respect)
 i feel like a million dollars ( and no Master before You comment on it not all green and crinkly either) Although the past few days have been busy and  W/we have done allot , W/we have spent time  doing it together, and it has left me feeling calm and cherished.
Every so often my mind sets off  on one of those wanders that it likes to go on , and i wonder if i am being  a slave enough for my One..... See having the added responsibility of caring for a person with disabilities , as well as having some of  my own  sometimes plays on my mind..... We do not get much play time without the risk of interruptions , and i realise that i am lucky that You care for us all still through this and do not look for a submissive who could give You perhaps more play.
But then for me the play time, although a nice part of O/our relationship has never been the be all and end all of what keeps U/us together. i love the  rituals and the orders that You leave for me .... i love my chalk board and its constant reminder that i might one month make it tally up to over twenty .....( though these days i manage to keep it fairly blank, i still have a dread of this happening) i love making You smile and making You happy. i am lucky that You care for me so much and i guess i am more than a little spoilt over loads of things..........
i think that i enjoy the challenges that You set for me .....i have become a better girl for these.....for they are always set to improve me or O/our family ... and i realise that i am constantly growing and getting stronger. Not so strong though that You would not be my leader , for you my Master are definitely always this .... even when You have the brat from hell making a visit in O/our home. ..... fortunately the days that she used to spring from me seems to have got less ......
The most important thing i note from all of this , is that i do all of it not because like in the past i am scared or nervous, but because i want to....i want to have that pat on the head and hear You say the magic words.."well done i am proud of you" i need to see the look of surprise on Your face when i accomplish things that make You happy... and at the same time i need to know that i can not get away with things that You would not approve of......i feel secure.
And so my Master i am banking this feeling and these thoughts ... and will read it next time the brat is about .

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Thursday, 2 June 2011

stepping over cracks

 The last few days when i have come to blog, my brain has somehow decided to freeze and not want the words that are jumbled up inside it to spill out. Its not as so nothing has happened , of course it has , i just have not been able to get my head to translate it into the letters that make up my writing.
i guess it started by the feeling off colour and then a chance conversation with a family member sent me spiralling downwards. Always, (i hoped ), i have done the best for Master and my family, putting them first , looking out for them, caring , (you know the normal things that parents should do for their children.) With one of  mine it has been on going as they have passed through the boundaries of childhood , then on to mini adults, because he is autistic, and still is behind in allot of his development. This has never phased me ...i have always felt blessed to have a son who is as loving and caring as he ever it also brings its darker side of the non communication  etc in his life and sometimes the share frustration of having to explain over and over again with the most general of things, and cope with rituals and fads that he can not deviate from makes me want to just hide away and recharge my batteries.
As i said i always thought i coped pretty well , and i still do think this .......but this remark came from a family member who decided to think that he ( my son ) was lazy and behaved the way he did because he could not be bothered . This hurt me tremendously, (though i am sure that the speaker did not mean to) i know that the speaker has a problem with disability and understanding of it. He has however known my son all his life and i would have thought that he accepted it by now. Obviously not. i was at the time angry with his remark , and that led to me feeling that perhaps i had let my family down.
After deliberating on it for a long while i have come to the conclusion , that it is that persons loss that he can not see the problems and things that we as a family have overcome and now celebrate , and that he takes such a negative view.... i can be thankful that i have the love and support of my Master, and have five young adults who although they are not perfect , do not have major problems in life or addictions. i have since tried to explain to the person who made the remark, only time will tell if the message sank in.
Master , during this time has given me heaps of support , because He knows the journey that W/we are both on at the moment is a bit rocky, ( not in relationship wise , but health issues) It is nice knowing i have a Man that i can trust to step over the cracks and mountains that appear, and i adore Him for all the love and care that He gives to me.

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .