Just as i was heading for bed to read my book Master very kindly gave me my word.... saying that if i wanted to i could write up my thoughts and feeling on it, on the ipod.........However it was such a gem of a word i decided to relog onto my big pc and type in comfort while the boys played on their games downstairs safely out of the way.
Reflections....( this was the word)
Now i could do a blog about reflections in a mirror, and tell you all how i can now look at myself in the glass, and not see a person that does wrong all the time.(i never did do wrong all the time btw , i just had a past that had conditioned me to think that i did) i could tell you that i now actually like the person that i see staring back at me ( especially when i know that i have done well in the day , or made a person proud of me)See all of these things would be true, but it was not this i wanted to blog about.There again i could look back at the year and the positive and negative things that have happened these last twelve months.......In this i guess i would include the growth that i think that i have achieved , in learning to listen to Himself, in knowing that i can trust His judgement in what we have to do, in knowing myself that i can just fly when i am with Him and i dont have to hide anything from Him. In learning for myself that i need strictness and routine and without these i am lost.
Then there are a few milestones that i have achieved along the way as well , such as the reason to why i got artheritus so early, and knowledge now with the best way to deal with it. Knowing myself that there is nothing wrong with having a disability or having to ask for help when you cant manage something.(though that was a hard mile to walk as so to speak. ........)Learning about a new husky who is totally different to our old one , but on reflection it could be because of the knocks she has had already....and realising that even when we miss something , it doesnt make it come back .
i am guessing the word could even have been given due to my out burst of frustration when i couldnt tell that Master was joking and took something quite literal.......when it was meant to be funny.
See i guess that i do alot of reflection.......back thinking ....when i am on my own or with the dog..she is a good listener and helps me by not interupting me when my thoughts dont come out right , and strangely enough never complains when they dont quite come out in the right order either.
Looking back on our relationship this year i would say we have grown., Master is still learning about me and i am still learning how to please Him....( though i guess that will always be ongoing for as long as we are together and there is nothing wrong with this)
i have learnt that if i am ignored in a cold way ( this has happened with family ) i revert back into the lost little girl i was when i was growing up...i am tactile and need to know that people about me care about me ......if i dont, or i think that they are angry then i cling harder and get insecure....It has a negative affect that lasts too long and it is not something that i am good at dealing with. i also learnt that it builds walls that shut people out and barriers that i thought were a saftey net really turned out to be prison. These get harder to pull down when the pain is there, and it makes a vicious circle.
i know that Master and i we have a way to go, before i become totally balanced and reflect everything that is given to me .... but this is because of training , because of issues beyond our control that those about us throw at us, and because it takes time, and effort to build a strong relationship, in what ever path that we choose to follow. But i am safe in the knowledge that i have never regretted the first step W/we took together and i look forward to many more in the coming years.
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .