Sunday, 12 December 2010
no nose or eyes
Now knowing this was wrong , because i do know i shouldnt say no to Him , my brain had subconciously gone back to its pre Master state and found a way round this without me realising it. It came to light this is what i was doing whilst we were out getting Master a new chair , and i had doubts about His choice. I battled with demons that it gave me and , Master knew that i was having problems but i didnt want to feel as though i was failing in my submission to Him so tried my hardest to block it. It being like a wobbly tooth or a gnat bite it just wont go away.... and so off and on throughout the day i went into periods of noncommunication , which was not a good idea , and avoided answering Him, when the question was asked.
So much so that it got to just past dinner time and i was left with no choice, for He came upstairs and saw me looking at a blank computer screen.
Then came the words ... no more "no more no's or i's " and i had to spill the beans .......
It was a release to tell Master that i was worried about two of our young adults and my father and even more so was god to be able to say to Him that i felt that i was losing myself and had failed yet again in my submission.
He once again has taken this all in His stride and now i have the rule inplace ...emphasised by being put up as a screen saver and a desk top of "no more eyes and nose" so i do not foget , that i have lost the right now to say " i want something " or i am going to do something" and no should never have been in there in the first place. In other words He has stripped it back to one basic rule again and i feel better for it . Still scared but a trusting scared because i know together we are complete and can work this through.
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .