Tuesday, 14 December 2010

letting go

Some times in life we all have to release things that maybe we have held onto for to long. Maybe this is done intentionally, maybe not .... the subconcious works in a strange way and the mind is very good at playing tricks on us .  i decided to write about this as my blog page for today not only because of a major cleansing process that i went through the last  forty eight hours, but because of a friend of our family as well . 
 i start off with my scenario..... about 14 months one of our children decided that she would leave home ... not because ( in my point of view) she was treated badly ... infact i have probably spoilt her if anything , but because she decided that she didnt like the house rules. There were not that many , but because the grass looked greener outside she decided to up and leave with no warning what so ever.
It was three months before i saw her again, ( i know you could say that i was lucky as some peoople never get to see their young adults, if they leave ) and when i did see her i was damm right angry for the stress that she put the whole family through. She decided that she  wanted to have a place of her own and i still see her occasionally when she wants something. (maybe this will change as she gets older i dont know. ) 
After she had left and we realised that she was not coming back i was asked to clear her room ... a typical teenagers bedroom.. and i resisted doing this for ages in the  secret hope that she would come back , i didnt want to admit that she wasnt there deep inside, and make it seem as though i had closed the door on her. 
During the next months she would half heartedly pack a few things in a box when asked to take the things out that mattered to her , but still the lions share remained ... and everytime i passed her room it mocked me and called me a failure. 
Fourteen months on and i was told that it was getting decorated, i must admit i had a major melt down that i am totally ashamed of, which led to me  personally packing the junk into bin bags, and sending it off down the tip ( the theory being that if she had not needed it for this long she wouldnt again and she had been given enough warnings.) It was one of the most traumatic days i have had in a long time ... i found things that she said she didnt have in there and loads of junk and even half eaten sweets and chocolate bars,.. and i was ashamed. 
Having said this, by the time that the room was empty, i felt as if i had swam the english channel, and yet i feel at peace at last ...  there was something quite soothing about cleaning and removing the bad memories of the past . My mind told me that ok, she had chosen to leave , she might have hiccups in her life , but i had done the best for her in my life , of loving her and bringing her up, and she would now have to learn things the hard way . It was the moment i let go of the idea that i had been a bad mother to her and realised i had done my best . There is only so much that a person can give another .  i still love her , but i hope she can find her way back to being a member of the family again one day , but that decision is hers and hers alone. 
The other thing that reminded me of  having to let go of things,  is as i said , of a family friend who is going through a very messy breakup of his relationship.... He can not let go, and i worry about his saftey.... both physically and mentally.... Master spent along time trying to help him sort his mind out this morning .... He might have just as well talked to a brick wall. ..... i dont think that anyone can help him , only himself .........
This  was timely reminder to me how He (Master) cares about, not only me and my family, but those around us as well.. no matter what life style they come from . 
i love You, Master and i do realise how lucky i am to have  You in my life. xx

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .


  1. Well done it took a lot of courage to do what you did in that room ,yes its a wrench but you will feel better but sometimes not,doubts are a great leveller at the wrong times but one sentence stood out for me more then the others , and yes there were a few setences that where relevent (but i had done the best for her in my life ),life s full of decisions that was the right one to clean up..

  2. thankyou Master.....Your words mean more to me than anyone could ever imagine .xx