Thursday, 30 December 2010


 Just as i was heading for bed to read my book Master very kindly gave me my word.... saying that if i wanted to i could write up my thoughts and feeling on it, on the ipod.........However it was such a gem of a word i decided to relog onto my big pc and type in comfort while the boys played on their games downstairs safely out of the way.
Reflections....( this was the word)
Now i could do a blog about reflections in a mirror, and tell you all how i can now look at myself in the glass, and not see a person that does wrong all the time.(i never did do wrong all the time btw , i just had a past that had conditioned me to think that i did)  i could tell you that i now actually like the person that i see staring back at me ( especially when i know that i have done well in the day , or made a person proud of me)See all of these things would be true, but it was not this i wanted to blog about. 
There again i could look back at the year and the positive and negative things that have happened these last twelve months.......In this i guess i would include the growth that i think that i have achieved , in learning to listen to Himself, in knowing that i can trust His judgement in what we have to do, in knowing myself that i can just fly when i am with Him and i dont have to hide anything from Him. In learning for myself that i need strictness and routine and without these i am lost.
Then there are a few milestones that i have achieved along the way as well  , such as the reason to why i got artheritus so early, and knowledge now with the best way to deal with it. Knowing myself that there is nothing wrong with having a disability or having to ask for help when you cant manage something.(though that was a hard mile to walk as so to speak. ........)Learning about a new husky who is totally different to our old one , but on reflection it could be because of the knocks she  has had already....and realising that even when we miss something , it doesnt make it come back .
i am guessing the word could even have been given due to my out burst of frustration when i couldnt tell that Master was joking and took something quite literal.......when it was meant to be funny. 
See i guess that i do alot of reflection.......back thinking ....when i am on my own or with the dog..she is a good listener and helps me by not interupting me when my thoughts dont come out right , and strangely enough never complains when they dont quite come out in the right order either.
Looking back on our relationship this year i would say we have grown., Master is still learning about me and i am still learning how to please Him....( though i guess that will always be ongoing for as long as we are together and there is nothing wrong with this)
i have learnt that if i am ignored in a cold way ( this has happened with family ) i revert back into the lost little girl i was when i was growing up...i am tactile and need to know that people about me care about me ......if i dont, or i think that they are angry then i cling harder and get insecure....It has a negative affect that lasts too long and it is not something that i am good at dealing with. i also learnt that it builds walls that shut people out and barriers that  i thought were a saftey net  really turned out to be prison. These get harder to pull down when the pain is there, and it makes a vicious circle.
 i know that Master and i we have a way to go, before i become totally balanced and reflect everything that is given to me .... but this is because of training , because of issues beyond our control  that those about us throw at us, and because it takes time, and effort to build a strong relationship, in what ever path that we choose to follow. But i am safe in the knowledge that i have never regretted the first step W/we took together and i look forward to many more in the coming years.

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

1 comment:

  1. Plent to replect in the old year some good some bad , but good to look positive rather then negatively another thing to also remember about looking back is not too delve too deep as its not always a good thing , the past in its own right is good things have happerned not always for how we wish or what we want to achieve but there gone good or bad look to the future a new year dawns ,full of new promise..loves ya MK