Saturday, 21 May 2011
Invisible walls that will come falling down
When i first met Master, i used to think that my communication skills were quite good and that i could discuss anything with Him, and not have any trouble explaining myself. Looking back i guess i was very rusty, and sometimes, (that might be an understatement) i still can be. Just lately i have had what i guess is called a writers block. i wanted to blog about something but i couldn't find the words to write it down. Every time that i read what i had started to post i deleted it.....it didn't feel like me and i didn't , or couldn't express how i felt inside. Allot is going on in O/our lives at the moment ... and i had unconsciously put little barriers up to keep me safe, forgetting that there was a Person there who already looks out for the family and i 24/7.
In my little transparent prison, (because this is what it became because i didn't talk to Master about it straight away) i began to reinforce it with thoughts like "i can not talk to Him about it now. because i should have done so in the beginning" and "i have to sort this out myself and He will be proud i have " i started to have arguments with myself. ( now i really sound crazy)........
Through all of this He watched me ...and waited for me to say what was truly troubling me ..not the little things i kept poking up, not the snipey remarks and the appalling behaviour that was not very slave like ...and certainly not the bursting into tears that He got.
It all came to a head yesterday, an we had one of those conversations that went in a round about way to sneak up on the problem that i had buried and just about lost.. so skillful was it that i didn't realise W/we had reached it and released it till i realised that i was crying and pain that i had stored in my heart was being released.
There has been a number of health issues in O/our family over the past decade .... my father has had a triple bypass , my brother a double one , and my mother has died of a heart attack.......On top of this my dad has battled with cancer and won then had it return ...He has just finished another bout of chemo and still is not right. This i guess in itself had been a stressful time and still was.... and then Master got called back to the surgery from His health MOT that He had to go to.
Immediately in my mind i was terrible to everyone because i was scared of losing Him. , i kicked of big times at the slightest little thing and in many ways i was scared to be me because i was frightened i was going to be without the Man who means the world to me. In my brain i saw the list of things that we had planned to do in O/our life as the children got older getting forgotten about ...i dreamt of bad things and i didn't want to not have Him about. i was scared. i pushed people away.....i was angry because my blackboard with the strike marks on it had been forgotten and sat blank... and i wanted there to be big thick lines on there to say everything was normal and nothing was going to be going wrong.
After talking with Master and Him being able to so carefully get the problem out into the open i realise that i was so wrong to do all of this, but i can only promise that i didn't do it on purpose...it just happened.. and i am ashamed. i have been warned that the cane is going to be in use allot more if i do it again, to the tone of 50 strikes or more across my backside and i have to pull my socks up. He has stepped up giving me things to do..and for that i am grateful... and as for the Dr's well i guess W/we both will have to wait to see what happens . Often this is the worst time of all.. the waiting ... i should know this, because when i had to do the wait for my precancerous growths that i had removed , and the results to say i was in the all clear, it took for ever and then some more.....and there is nothing anyone can do to make it any different .
Anyhow enough waffle
this is why i have been quiet
have a good weekend
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .