failed or did i ?

 How do you cope with failure?
If you had have asked me that a few years ago my answer would have been very different to the one that i have today. It would have gone something like "crumble" , probably burst into tears and revert back into myself. Failure those days was anything , from not phoning a family member up at the exact time that they expected me to every day (even if it was only a minute late) to not having the batter in a yorkshire pudding rise properly, to breaking something , and yes even to spilling things..... which happened frequently for me unfortunately because of my dyspraxia. Of course the more upset that i became when things went wrong the more the likelyhood of something else wrong happening became , and it became a big vicious circle that went round and round.
Why did i react like that ... probably due to one of my parents constant critiscim, i dont think that she realised what damage she did when she knocked me for every small thing that i did wrong and i honestly believed for years that i must be the most clumsy person on earth. It didnt help that at school i was left handed but the school i went to insisted that we all wrote with our right hands ..... so i was always chastised for this as well.
Living in several abusive relationships did nothing for my self esteem and of course it was always easier for me to blame myself and tell me that i deserved the way i was treated , and it must be my fault that i was getting  treated this way.
These days thankfully i know better..... though everyso often the past will come back and bite me on the bum.. and i am left with the little lost girl syndrome. See Master has taught me to laugh to a certain extent at the times i fall over or break something ( of course if i did it on purpose i dont think i would be laughing but i dont) Life is to short to cry when you spill things and make a mess...and well as long  as its put right where is the problem.
He has helped me no end when it comes to realising that i am a beautiful person and there is no way that it is my fault that i had to born by C section ( something that i really had been convinced of before) he has also helped me put several forms of abuse to sleep as well. Result is a healthier and happier girl who is learning to laugh and have a sense of humor again. ( slowly but surely) .
So was did i fail when i was younger.........No... the people around me who were meant to be there to look after me did more so in my eyes. Teaching a person with compassion and love gets better results that critisicim and shouting .  Why blog about this now? Well i wanted to say that the care and love that Master gives me, that has turned my life around is everybit as important as the play scenes and pain that He doles out. i am not a  doormat or a failure and i have Him to thank for His guidance and the knowledge that He constantly gives to illuminate me that i am not.
Thankyou Master
saffy
For me i guess it is essential part of the Man i gave my trust in , to care for me









the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .