Just a little lost

 

This morning when i woke at four, i went downstairs, watched a television programme that i had recorded the night before,had two cups of tea, went back upstairs and made the bed, wandered in the computer room, and decided to change it completely about. ( sorry Master but You were not here and it is done now)
Well it is now nearly three in the afternoon and i have just about finished...admittedly i did do the shopping in the middle of all of this....but i thought that it was going to be an easy job.
There are two big bags of things that i find i can live without including two scarfs (thank you Master for saying i didn't need another one when we were out the other day, i still have two to wear as well) and a host of other things that i scavenged over the last few years. The dog is really happy because she now has a new leash..........(i didn't buy, well not at this moment , i found it after i put it in a safe place...)Best thing about the move is that i can now blog in peace without a certain young man looking over my shoulder, so i am happy about this, as i need my blog space at the moment.
The reason for my early awakening was that Master has gone to London for  a few days , and well, i don't sleep that brilliant with Him not about. i have my routine that i am following at the moment, though in my mass tidy i have managed to lose the pink card with the instructions on it, but they are written in my dragonfly book, so i shouldn't pick any points up for not having done them. i just realised that He probably wont be back for the end of the month either (beings as it is the last day today) so..................i am safe in the fact there is no way that i am going to earn 20 points this month :-D .i must remember to ask if i can clean them off tonight when we speak.
i have surprised myself how well i am coping this time that He has gone away , though in the inside i am crying , i have managed to pretend to the rest of the world that i am coping. i know the key is to follow the instructions that i have and keep busy , and hopefully He will not be away for to long. It doesn't stop my heart from missing Him though , that started five minutes or less when He left.
hugs to all
saffy

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

A leap of faith

 If you read my blog regularly , you will know often things that i see when i go about my day to day life inspire me to write about comparrisons to the submissive world that i chose to live in and the event that i see. Well today was not exception, the weather has been clear , although a tad cold and the sky is not to cloudy, so it was no suprise to me to hear the small aircraft taking off from the airfield a short way from where we leave and doing its prep run to get ready for the parachutists that often jump from there.
Soon it was droning over head like a giant white bee , doing lazy circles till it reached its optimum height for the parachutists to jump.
Now my father who is in his late seventies did a jump last year, and i know how much courage these people who do these jumps have to have, i also realise the amount of prep that goes into the instructors that do the tandem jumps with people.......The preflight talk with the people , going through the correct position to leave the plane , how to be when the chute opens , to how to do the perfect landing . Then it is pack that chute up, and off they go again. ( and the art of packing that chute is no mean feat i am thinking.for it literally is the thing that saves you from plummeting to the ground like heavy rock thrown in the air .)Now my brain being the way it is watched those first solo parachutist glide to earth from our back garden, listened for the plane to start , its ascent and saw the the first batch of tandem jumpers start to swirl down.
I likened them to a Master and submissive on their first play , all saftey issues checked and ready to jump then taking a giant leap of faith as you leave your body and head for subspace.....the rush as you free fall, not quite there at subspace yet...... the fear that you will not relax enough to get there likened to the chute will not open, you will go to fast , the heart in the mouth experience as you start to tumble in your mind towards  the space that ultimately you and your One wishes you to get to..... Then the opening of the chute itself,  an order to keep in position as the harness or ropes help keep you in position and safe for the play you are getting, sometimes biting hard just as the chute does when it adjusts and opens.......
The floating spiral as you reach  subspace..........likened to the chute opened and the decent to earth........Master holding and guiding like the expert parachutist who you are strapped to when you do a tandem jump...keeping me safe and issuing commands holding me tight as i spiral to earth again from the place that He takes me.The landing.........sometimes a little rough but in general safe and secure and just as the chute is undone and removed from you so to are the ropes and cuffs that have held you safely in your play.
 Not only is the play like a jump, but my faith in my One is likened to the trust and belief that one must have in your tandem parachutist.........The enjoyment and pleasure from the experince can be taken  knowing that there is no doubt that we are safe on our submissive/Master journey , for He strives to make sure that all things are right for us all, and we all can function as a whole.
saffy



the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Bottlecaps

 Sometime ago Master used to play on a PlayStation 3 game.... i hated it, well its not my kind of thing when monsters get blown to pieces and the blood on some of these console games is very realistic. i did however like one aspect of it, and that was the fact that instead of money or gold they used bottle caps as a currency, the star ones were meant to be rare and were therefore worth more than the others........and so i hatched a plan in my head that is still there, and i have my very own bottle cap collection on the kitchen window sill , mostly from the bottles of real ale that i sneak in the grocery trolley because i need so many of them. (plus the fact that i like to see them growing and the different designs on them.)
( for those of you who are not familiar with beer bottle caps they are small discs about 30mm diameter and 5 mm height , they are quite tough and have a very uneven edge, sort of jagged but a smooth jagged....and of course they are round. )
If i am honest i guess that Master knows , or has  rough idea why i am collecting them, but of late He has had thoughts on them as well.......Some of them coming from the film He watched with me where a girl had nails in her clogs (all be it blunt ones )which i would think made them horrid to wear and was made to dance in them. i must admit i had a little snigger at that to myself as although i know that would be painful, her face was a picture, and i was secretly glad that Master can not purchase wooden clogs in the UK, especially with nails in them.
Well that apart , for some reason He has been looking at things that He could use my precious bottle caps for . (technically speaking i guess as i am His girl, they belong to Him to do what He wants with .. but i would like to get to my required number first without cheating. )
A shop that we visited had many of the same design strung together and made into a foot stool. of course the sharper side was downwards not upwards and i am not sure how comfortable or strong it would be. i am reliably informed that some older generation than me used to use them to make button badges as they also liked the designs on them. They can also be used to make necklaces etc with.
Other uses  in BDSM could be to be fastened on a wooden paddle and used to make all kinds of pretty patterns on behinds, maybe on a massage device and be used to roll up and down the body, or just stuck on the nipples for nice decoration. Some of the ideas that Master had were taken from pictures of clothes that He had found...ie bottle tops in slippers/shoes. i guess that they could be adapted to put on boards to sit/kneel on, and cause a bit of discomfort.i guess if we are going in the fashion industry we could make a bottle top garter, so the elastic and cap edges bit into the top of the thigh.
What ever use Master decides He wants with His bottle tops , that for the moment remain my collection.............i hope that i am allowed to complete my project with them first.
hugs

saffy

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

thankyou

i woke this morning totally in pain from my knee, (not the nice afterglow you get from a session) and realised that i had forgotten to take my pain killers last night and somehow had slept with my leg twisted. The air outside is once again full of plum blossom pollen, and the weather conditions make breathing not so good.
Having had that warning by my body, i made  an executive decision to not take the dog out, (the rest of the house was sleeping , and it didn't seem a good idea to take her with to health issues hovering ) and maybe get somebody to do the job for me later.
With that in mind , i went off to read a few blogs , and write a few comments , and am left feeling loved cherished and extremely lucky.
  When i read the crisis's that seem to be happening in some of the blogs that i follow i realise , just how fortunate  that i am, to have a solid relationship, that i cant go and hide when there is a problem, but Master will hook me out though, before i sink. i might not agree with every decision that is made for me , but they are always made for my benefit and my families. i am given adequate time ( unless my son decides  to be nosey) to write and reply on my blog.i have a large support network about me , to help me deal with Dad's illness and the negative things that occur and most of all that i have no doubts about the person i am or the path that i want and need to follow.
Now i know the people that wrote their blogs probably didn't realise the light switch that it would switch on for me , but i am really grateful to them, because now i have a bucket full of positives to work with for the rest of the day.
hugs and light
saffy

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

thank you

 It has been a really nice day today, as i had a totally nice surprise sprang on me by Master of a  trip to a seaside town near us and lunch out. He thoroughly spoiled me of course.......and the day was more like a summer one than early spring,but the best part of it was that i spent quality time with Him and our son wandering about the shops and not having to rush about anywhere.
When we arrived my lungs found it so much more easier to breathe with the sea air, trouble is when we returned home my breathing went down again and i am now at that really worn out stage where i just want to curl up with a book.
Hope you all had a nice day as well in bloggy land


saffy

Modification Time

  i feel Your hands upon me ,

A little pinch here and there,

A sharp slap with Your palm now,

But i have nothing to fear.

A single kitchen utensil hits it's mark hard,

leaving a smarting stripe on my behind,

Your voice commands me to keep still and silent,

So the wooden spoon, its target can find.

Inwardly my body is melting ,

And it silently begs You for more,

i love to feel You controlling me,

As You turn me into Your whore.

Harder, faster the spoon corrects me,

Teaching me a lesson i have to learn ,

One that will leave me a reminder,

With its stingy marks that really burn .

Drifting , sleepy and unfocused,

Like a ship out from a shore,

Mindlessly and silently meandering ,

You anchor me safe till  my feet return to the floor,

Thank you for caring for me Master,

For amending the mistakes that i do,

i know there is not a path that i cant conquer,

because i have the trust and love of You.

written for Master on March 22nd 2011 .

i love You with all i am all i was and all i ever shall be

saffy

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Batteries not included, but you can have a free elephant on your chest.!!!!!

After the weekend i normally feel rested and ready to go for the following week, but not today for some reason.....i feel like someone/thing ran most of my batteries down , and then set me on full power.i want to do things and i have managed to do my chore list, but none of the extras. Maybe it is because the plum blossom is burst out , and with it brought pollen in abundance to set my poor chest off , maybe it is because my eating habits went out off the window over the weekend, and instead of having our lovely roast dinner i ended up having a paella cooked by my father and other Spanish delicacies for his Spanish evening.... ( i love my roast dinners since i started to eat meat again and the weekend does not seem like the weekend without one)What ever the reason i feel like a half stuffed scarecrow, and i guess that i look a little like one as well. The extra sugar that dad added to the recipes has sent the sugar balance over the  top as well , and i know now i will just have to be sensible and it will right itself but its not nice.
Poor Master has not been well with a bad back, and i have been trying to be so good.......Well that came to an abrupt end this morning as i had a mini meltdown ......i didn't have the energy to explain to Him why i didn't feel very well ... it hurt to talk , and i was tired... and the elephant that sits on my chest when the peak flows are low was bouncing about. ( of course there is not really an elephant there , but it feels like it or a real tight band of steel.) After being  a brat about not wanting visitors round the house at the moment i flounced upstairs only to have a nasty attack ......(second of the day even though the first one was early hours of the morning) My son grabbed an inhaler and my spacer and so the breathing started to calm and i thought i better go and get the maintenance inhalers taken ...... So i headed to the bathroom ,only once in there i found Master in the shower and i immediately didn't know what to do.....leave ( the bathroom is His cave time and i know it is precious to Him) or stay and feel my body relax in the steamy heat........
In the end the decision was taken from me and after sitting on the loo....(the only chair type thing in the bathroom) i was breathing much more comfortable and the elephant left my chest .. i glanced over to see a lovely Dalmatian pattern on my Masters bottom and base of His spine and i could see why His back was hurting Him. :-( .
The outcome of this was that Master sent me to bed for the rest of the morning ...i slept......i could still go back to sleep now, but i realise that then i wont sleep tonight and we have a guest in the house. Mentally i feel not so bad .. but physically and emotionally i feel drained. Fortunately i have been given a reprieve for now, but i better learn to say my safe word next time i feel so ill , and not try to be superwomen then crumble when i cant be.
many thanks for your love and care Master i do appreciate it.
saffy


the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

a new way to say good morning

 Smiles big
Well i have really enjoyed today and i feel  so much better this night due to the care that Master gave me this morning and just after our dinner. This morning i had just about finished my chores when Master got up, and was putting the finishing touches to a Shepard's pie.......i tried to sneak it in the oven without Him seeing as i wanted it to be a surprise... but no hawk eye Master strikes again even though He was just passing through the kitchen He saw.....i then got a couple of slaps to the face , all be it gentle ones and a couple of raps on the bum ending in a nip....BLISSSSSSS, He still remembers that i love pain, even in His own pain .(how i have missed this attention, when He has been at His lowest, and how much it sends a warm glow through my body making me want to explode in the swirls of endorphins that race round my body.
Well a  trip to the hospital , (for dad's treatment) then back home to dinner.............after we had taken father home , back to the washing up, Master comes over and starts to spank my bum with the stainless steel slotted spoon. (don't laugh , cos that was a better choice than the slice, it hurt more....) A burning sensation in the stomach again and frustration to my body as it does a jiggle about trying to dodge my reward, but loving it just the same when the spoon hits the target..........So then Master quickly changes to raps on the breasts with it..more satisfaction and submissive heaven,.....Jokingly He threatens to inspect the rest of the things.....but by this time my head is not connected to my mind and i am having trouble focusing .......such is Masters ability to send me to subspace.
i can not thank Master enough for the attention that He has given me the past few days despite His pain, and long may i continue to be good enough to warrant it...........i am blessed to have someone that is not afraid to cater for this need that i have and who realises the benefits that it reaps when i am treated to my passion for pain.
hope all have a Good weekend
saffy


the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Last night was special for me , as i got to go out with my One , our son and my father.......We went to a seafront restaurant near where i live , and had paella. Not just any paella though , it was a special evening that they do there an it was absolutely Delicious. The mood was soft and the ambiance was added to by candle lit tables and low lighting. ( i couldn't help ogling the candles though and thinking the wax would be nice dripped over my naked breasts ,or somewhere )  .
The waitress took our order , and we had garlic bread and olives for starters ....i love olives they are like chocolate drops of the veggie world and tasted  wonderful. i have to say i wasn't so keen on the garlic bread and on reflection i wish i had have left my slice and asked Master if He wanted it. (garlic bread has always been an issue since a friend of mine made some and used a whole bulb instead of a clove . plus some minced garlic )
When the pans came for the paella they were huge. There was plenty of shellfish and some meat..............and to my surprise my son ate quite a bit (though not so much as he normally does) , though he would try the crayfish... Master let me off eating these as well knowing that the last time i ate lobster it made me violently ill and come out in a rash...............
Our table was certainly happy , as my father got his recipe for paella and how to cook it,( he is making it for a meal Sunday) and even had the offer of them making it for him and then just picking it up. i felt loved and contented being with the family, and the moon was shining brightly outside beaming through the mist like a lighthouse does and creating a little path leading to a giant spotlight in the sky.
The evening was rounded of nicely by receiving two hard swats across my backside when i passed Master , when we got home that took me totally by surprise.... ( i have not got many of late as His back is bad) and left me wanting to fall to my knees and curl up by His feet. But it was not playtime ( son was upstairs ) and His(Master's) back is just still to painful. So i settled for basking in the afterglow of His hand contact and drifting as only a girl that loves her Master's touch can.
Thank you Master for a wonderful evening and the love that You show all of our family. Thank you for my swats..........i have missed Your hand and i appreciate them more than You realise( though scrub that last piece cos i think You do realise what they mean to me) i hope that we will return to that restaurant , maybe with just us two, and thank you for building up happy memories for me , with my Dad............i understand so well why these are important .

hugs and light
saffy

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

get better sooooon i miss You

 Master has not ben very good with a bad back the last couple of days......It is hard to cope seeing Him in pain and not being able to do anything about it,and i miss seeing the cheeky glint in His eye when i catch it at various times of the day, and the suprise whacks that i get with the kitchen implaments when He bustles about the cooking that He likes to do.
It got me thinking how different pain is bareable and how some you just want to go away no matter what. i know that on some occasions i guess i could be called a pain slut, i love the feeling of over the knee spanking or a nice flogger or two........and i definately love the ping pong paddle we have and am rather fond of a leather belt as well......but i also know alot of this , and the fire play, the wax, the scratching, biting and all the other endorphine raisers that i enjoy would not be so relaxing and special if the bond and trust that Master and i have was not there. i try to put that extra bit in for Master , by trying new things out, to please Him to start off with but it often ends up to please me .......
The crux of the matter is i know that He would never knowingly hurt me permanently , so that it left me with an injury, nor would He do anything in anger.
In the past i havent been so lucky with my choice of Masters/nillas (not that there has been that many) and have been struck in anger, Its something that is not a good thing, and not the same as even the discipline that i recieve, to be hit in anger, and it's a pain that i dont think that any sane person would want to experience.
Neither do i like the artheritic pain that i have in my knees or other joints or the pain that is there after an asthma attack.....i could go on but i think that you can see what i am saying.
You know Master i would gladly relive any of the painful things i dont like , over and over again just to see You move about without that look of hurt......and to be able to take it away from You, but i cant... so instead i will try and behave and look forward to service being resumed as soon as possible.
huggles and light
saffy

 ps i saw this and thought it was funny xx
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

 Yesterday, after blogging on here, the dog and i went for our ramble round the block and i saw again some of natures beautiful art work. The picture was of a field that is near us , but geographically speaking we are far higher than this land, and for some reason ( i am not a person that is clever and has allot of knowledge about these things), the pasture was topped with a thick covering of foggy cloud ,which in itself was topped with the reflection of the sun. Man can not produce such colours and beauty in the artificial paintbox that we have .
i loved the golds, oranges and even a darker red that was topping this misty shroud the field was wearing and i was sad to not have anything with me to record the glory of it all for another day, when  mother natures choice is greys and blacks. So this morning will find me retracing my route to see if it occurs the same time (or there abouts) every day.
I also got a bit wrong in my blog the other day , i assumed that i was banished from the bedroom the other night because i was snoring, well it was actually because i was jiff ling and moving about , and i apologise for my lack of accuracy.........Anyhow i was quite happy at the end of this early start, even if i didn't get an extra snuggle, because if i hadn't have risen then i wouldn't have found this time slot to blog on here.
Daughter turned up yesterday, she is thinner than ever and i have to bite my tongue in saying anything as i know ( from the past ) she will dig her heals in and eat even less. i love her to bits , and i know she loves me as well , but her priorities are still so teenagerish it is unbelievable. Yet again she has brought clothes rather than food, and things to keep her healthy. i was tempted to pack her up a food parcel and try and care for her this way, but last time she gave away the eggs and things we gave her to her flat mates , and i can not afford to feed the whole of her household and ours. She can not understand why her friends can spend the money that they earn, on themselves , and if i gently point out that it is because they live at home still she gets offended.
Her stubbornness rivals even my own at her age, if i am honest, and her giant strides to try and prove to the world she is an adult have seen her lose her education, allot of her freedom of being young, and yes, i guess her freedom as well. On the positive side she has her young man , a job of sorts, and a place to live...........so i guess all is not so bad. i just want to scope her up at times and correct all her mistakes but i know i have to let her swim on her own or i will not have the strength to rescue her when and if she sinks.
Master is good at putting me back on track after her visits, and He realises just how difficult these can be for me ...........He keeps me focused and looking forward for the most and banishes these silly thoughts from my head when i have them before they grow into giant weeds. i am glad He has taught me to look at the positive side of every situation that is about , and for the most my brain has stared to do it automatically. i am proud to report i didn't get any chalk mark yesterday so all is good there as well. i also got a compliment from my One that i write well. This meant the world to me , but i see more room for improvement , as i can not always find the words that i need to describe things.
Master's blog had a picture of a girl with a circle of red marks on her bum on it the other day, It reminded me for some reason of the film that He showed me of a girl and the paintball gun, as the red marks to my eye were reminiscent of a target ........and that led to a knot forming in my stomach as i realised that spring/summer is coming and His paint balls and gun might soon be taking an airing from the cupboard and painting my backside with delicious thuds of paint shot.
Anyhow time to take pooch out , sadly the weather is not going to be kind and it is drizzly so i doubt i will get my sun picture today. but maybe a rainbow, or something even more beautiful.
hugs and light
saffy





the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

an eye opener

 This morning MK ordered me into the other room at five am , and i must admit i wasnt to happy at the time as it had been hard enough for me to get to sleep before hand , and i was still tired.  i know this is only because of my snoring , but i hate those long few hours in the before dawn , they are so cold and quiet. i knew when i left the bedroom that there was no way that i was going to be able to go back to sleep again, so instead i went downstairs made a hot drink then went on my beloved pc.
i ended up somehow on a girls page that had done a report on the earthquake in Japan , she had family and friends there, but fortunately they were not in the side of Japan that was damaged.......even so the pictures once again caused my hair to stand on end and a coldness to run through my blood as i saw the total devastation of what it had been before to what it was now, and know that there are so many people missing all who belonged to familys or friends of others.
Suddenly i felt selfish over getting in a grump( all be it a silent one) at being sent to another room,  i am lucky that i can see the beautiful countryside about us and all my family are alive and well Now i am going to utilise the time i have left before my family gt up in doing my chores etc (well the ones that can be done without making a noise) so i can have some nice me time and maybe a nap later on in the day.
Hope that all your family and freinds are safe to all you people in bloggy land , and that you have a wonderful day
saffy

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

whoops

 You know the saying pride comes before a fall , well i had a tumble today and it has taken me a good few hours to turn it about and make a positive out of a negative. It all started with Master asking to see my list of things that He had asked me to do on certain days .
Monday ...Dog brush ( didn't do it for some reason, though i had done it later in the week, and to be honest i normally groom her most days her being a husky and in her fur shredding season)
 Tuesday.. fridge tidy  (done )
Wednesday.... shopping (didn't do it this day it was done Thursday instead which was ok cos this is flexible and son vacuum the stairs for me)
Thursday....vacuum the stairs ( didn't get done today as they had been done the day before and were tidy)
Friday.. tidy food cupboard ( didn't do as it was still tidy)
Saturday ...no special task
Sunday Dust living room ................done

Ok these are not the only chores that i get , before you all think that they are , but they are specific tasks that Master has set me to do on specific days.........just i didn't realise this at the time the list was given to me and so, i diversified from them. i didn't think it would matter , but it did and i wont be doing that again, as they were to be done on the days they were given by Him not switched and changed to suit me. At first i was really upset when i got given three strikes on my blackboard , i have tried so hard this month not to get any marks on it . ..... but i am proud of myself that i didn't completely lose it when this happened , and even more proud that i am able to see the reason why i got them. Plainly and simply for not following specific instructions.  i thought i had learnt that lesson along time ago but obviously i need to smarten up on it big time. So in the future i will be following that list to a t, because i really don't want any more marks , and i really want to make Master happy and proud of me. The orders may be little things at the moment but one day they could be really important and i need to start obeying and not trying to rearrange things in my mind.
i can only thank Master for His time and patience of looking after me and caring for me enough to reprimand me over this.i would also like to add a thank you for not making it more chalky marks.
hugs and light
saffy



the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

use your imagination

 Today , about lunch time i spent a good ten minutes looking at a small patch of out back garden that is not normally touched and is a bit of a dumping ground. There are roots of trees , and various items of household debris that should never have been put there , but they came for the most part with the house and makes a little area look like a local dump more than a place to sit in peace and meditate.
But sitting there among the rubbish and the overgrown brambles my mind went on a trip and i cold visualise it all cleared and looking good. Its going to take alot of hard work, but i reckon that it will be worth it for the sun trap that it has there was beautiful and the added bonus is that it has a tree growing there as well. My son eventually came up the garden to see what i was up to, and doesn't seem to think that it will be possible to clear a space there, but he obviously couldn't see the way it would be when it was done.
i wonder if Master saw this in me when he chose to be my other half that completed the circle and made each of us whole. He has taught me so much, but how many would walk on by when they saw the task of retraining a girl who had had to be a strong leader for her family to survive all that we did to get this far. How many people would have the patience to have faith in her as she had mini battles to overcome insecurities and obstacles that were about, and her past kept chucking forward into her future.
Well i can tell you He...( my Master) is well on His way to rebuilding and moulding me His girl. So much so that i even find myself dealing with the blips that are thrown my way and not crumbling at them. i know that my Dad is ill with cancer , but because of his stubbornness he will not speak about it . Master and i take dad to his chemo every week , and i see dad tired, and a tender side of my One as He hugs Him and cares for us all. Giving me the strength to carry on and laugh as i see my dad and my Master laugh and tease each other even though for all of us, the outcome of his treatment is not known. i draw on an inner strength and gratefulness that we B/both were allowed to share this part of my father's journey and get to know him a little better ,and have a strange comfort in the knowledge that dad at least can see that my One will look out for his little girl and keep all the family safe when dad is not there anymore.
When we were taking father back to his house yesterday i had the strangest desire to smuggle a crop or cane in the back of the car and beg Master to pull over in one of the dark fields on the way home and ask Master to cane my bum with it. i had a vison of the scene played in my mind of getting some fairly sharp whacks across the legs and buttocks bent over the car. Of course this wont happen as it is probably to risky, but it didn't stop my brain conjuring up images of it. 
Master has also been giving me little mini tasks and jobs recently , keeping up His level of strictness that i love so much, and indeed need for that strictness keeps me feeling safe and secure and stops me from dwelling on things.
The last week he set me an email to write about things that i would like to try in play, and being abit of a pain slut my head went into overdrive, thinking of all the scenarios, and things that i would like to do, or try. Yet i found it focusing on the desire to learn to love the canes that we have and perhaps add to the collection. i have only ever had the cane used negatively on my body in the past and i don't know if Master will be able to pass this limit of the barrier that i have placed up, but i realise that it is not my place anymore to keep it there. He enjoys using them and i just hope that i can pass the blockage that is there. Maybe i have already started to remove it by starting to desire them.
All i know is that i love this Man with all i am , all i was and all i ever shall be , not just because of the play we have , not just because of the care He gives me , and not just because of the love and care that He gives my family, but because of a mixture of all of these and a few other bits.
thank you Master for not letting me remain a derelict wreck like that bit of garden , but instead nurturing me back into a proper functional slave girl that can now give you her love and trust freely and without fear.
saffy



the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

stolen time well something like that

 i have really been down , that i have not been able to come on my little blog page for what seems like a life time , ( yes i know it isnt really that long since my last post but it feels like it) as my son has got into the habit of sneaking up behind me and reading what i am writing. Soooooo no more blogs while he is about. While this is not a hardship of such and i can deal with it , i find it painful in otherways because i rely on these pages to pour my soul onto, and the people that i visit to make me feel as if i am not so alone. ( it is lonely in our house at times even with two other people living in there) BDSM and  a Master slave relationship is not something that i can go and talk to the rest of my family about (they wouldnt understand) and nor would i want to. On that same note somtimes it is nice to have a sister /brother in submission about to say, is this normal to feel this way, etc.
So it sounds like this is a whingey bratt post, and i guess in a way it is , and for that i am sorry. There was a positive note that i managed (with a little help from my family) to get our front flower bed up to date, and the weeds have been bannished for now. Maybe soon we will have new flowers as well.
have fun
saffy



the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

morning has broken

This morning whilst on my walk with the hound, i reflected back on yesterday and how she had enjoyed her walk with all the family , and then a thought pattern started to form in my brain again. Did she see us as her pack ( well obviously) but did she enjoy the time that we spend together as husky and owner , or should that read owner and human in kiki's case. or did she like going out as a pack with all the family members. My brain would like to say that she picked her quiet time with me, where as the family would probably want her to pick them, but in reality she probably does not care as long as she goes out.
The sunrise was spectacular and so caught up was i with my train of thoughts i failed to notice the telltale signs of the mutt spotting something odd. She pulled and i jumped ( a lesson there is always concerntrate on dog when walking it and not to drift) She jumped because i jumped ( kiki is a coward at times) and we both spent  a minute recovering from the mummy blackbird that had scolded the dog for getting to close to where she was building her nest..
It made me wonder how often i did things like this, drift along, and not notice if Master was pleased with little efforts that i put into doing things ( and no i shouldnt look for rewards but i am human and like praise) See i know when i have done something wrong because
a) there is a chalk mark appear on the board ( sheesh i wish i hadnt have found that little blackboard now)
b) Master makes loud disapproving sighs with an eyebrow raised
c) he lets me know more verbally
The mummy blackbird was only protecting her family this morning from the great white face that stuck her nose in the hedge, but she taught me a lesson as well.... and from today i am going to try and have a time for reflection and not do it when i should be concerntrating on a task.
(well that is if it gets approved)
hugs and light to all
saffy


the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

hmmm

 Recently whilst playing on an online game with Master that W/we both enjoy, i was given a place to go on a raid and Master who had His name down as well was not given His place , as there were to many people subscribed.(some who had not put their name on the list ) When He asked about it He was told that there were to many people ( despite Him having His name down for that part of the game) So exit one slightly miffed MK...(no one likes to be rejected) and left one slightly worried slave/sub. Now Master didn't turn round and say that saffy had to leave , despite my asking if He wanted me to, never the less it left a bitter taste that the groups leader of that particular raid had picked people to go who had not been on the list. However i wanted to learn.
i have to say i enjoyed the experience , but there was the shadow that was He (MK) was not there, and so begins the battle of my brain again. Master has not said anything negative about this, but i know it has hurt Him as he has not been back on His mage since.Yet as i am part of that guild (this is like a game family online) i ask if i was just in staying online and doing the raid with them , rather than leaving . He (MK) wants me to enjoy the game..........i joined so i could have a similar interest to Him with the game , and now this has happened it has left me rather low.
So Master ,
i love You , and i like the privilege that You allow me to play , even though You did not have a spot this time. i have sat there and worried about the fact that You were not given a place and i was, and it doesn't mean that i care for them more than You ( not that You will have thought this , but my brain did a what if and wondered if it might have entered the equation) i want to be the best at that game as i can , and people have helped me on there alot.
The other thing was when You came to bed tonight You asked me if there was a problem as i had done a few things without question and without being asked of late, and also i had taken myself off for a nap in the middle of the day for a few hours. Well the answer is No there is no problem, apart from my mind is still dealing with *d*'s  news, and trying to sift out the truth and fiction from it, and i have worries about Dad, who i see having a few more health issues that i would like with His treatment.
These are things i can not change and i know , one way or another that my mind will sort them or their natural conclusion will set in and right itself that way.
The things i have done without being asked of late are because i am trying to better myself and want You to be proud of me, and sometimes it is nice to do bits when people least expect them. As for the sleep business , my chest was hurting as were my legs due to the cold weather and longer exercise, plus the poor sleep that i had the night before, and i decided to nap and see if i felt better later on. i didn't ask as i didn't want it to become an order and perhaps then worry that i couldn't get to sleep.( on hindsight i guess i should have told You that was what i was doing. )
i love You always
saffy


the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

resepct yourself

 While reading another persons blog today, i happened to notice that  in the comments that followed, the owner of the blog had stated that her One thinks that the word submission makes her sound like a doormat. This is that person's choice of course and they are entitled to it....We are all different, and that is why the world is colourful and not black with shades of grey.
This of course got my mind to tick over , and made me wonder if it is the general opinion of the world that a slave or a submissive are walked over and are weak. ( although again the word submissive/slave was not mentioned in the writing just submission.) From my point of view, and this is only my feelings on the matter , an act of submission, all be it from a slave/submissive/wife/partner takes great strength if it is not the norm of this persons life style......even when it is the norm, it takes courage, especially if that person is not feeling good or knows that another way works.
From my view i had one big choice to make when MK came into my life, and that was whether i wanted to do things His way or not. i  took the option to make Him my leader and give Him the role of head of the house. (not an easy thing from a girl who has had to learn to trust 100%) In return for His love and care , i get to reflect that care back to Him and look after His needs.i am expected to  show Him  respect at all times when we are out , allow Him to make decisions on the way things should go, in what i read, watch etc.......(yes that sounds extreme , but in general He allows me to pick my own reading material and if it is unsuitable (ie the magazine that set me off on a depressive mood thought) i only have to listen if i have got the choice wrong.) i am safe in the knowledge that each decision that is made is done for the love and benefit of our family.
When my Nonna was here , that was the way her relationship was , with the men being the head of the family and the women caring for them........... Today's society seems to have lost that love and appreciation that family units used to have for one another. We are taught as girls/women we are equal to men..... yes maybe we are but not in the same aspects , we are equal in the way we balance each other out, and make a complete circle out of two halves. When the females were there at home there for the offspring and there One  there was less bad behaviour on the streets less divorce and everyone knew what was expected of them.
Sadly this is gone now, the power of caring for a child by any authoritative figure has lessened to such a degree that they have the right to have  a court case if we ban them from going out cos it infringes their civil rights, and society on the whole has NO respect for the next person to come along.
In my case is my submission to my One wrong... no....... for me it is right. i am not a doormat , i am Master's girl and proud to be so. He has given me the right to respect myself and the people around me and i flourish
lol
i just realised i been on my soap box again the last half hour............sorry folks
On a more personal note i got my pain fix  the day before yesterday . Master realised that i was low and needed a top up by my sassy behaviour to Him (hence the chalk mark) and went about correcting this  by making me fly with His hands at a time when i thought i was just going into the bedroom to wake Him from  a nap. I love the sensation of His nails ran deep across my back and it soon put me in a space that made me forget all about the sadness of not having a play time at the end of the month and like a cub that is reprimanded by its parent i was in no doubt who was the boss again. Thank you Master for that flight , i needed it and feel one hundred percent better for it.
i am not that happy about the chalk mark as i do realise that March has more days then February , and i wanted to try and at least NOT equal the marks that i got last month . That will not happen if i carry on being silly.
i love You and thank you for caring enough about me to use that implement.
saffy


the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

 What a night,
i thought, mistakenly as it turns out , that son number two had made arrangements to go out yesterday, but it turns out for reasons unknown to me he changed his mind, and so.................NO playtime for Master and i. This did not put either of us in the best frame of minds , though i guess Master coped with it alot better than i did , because inside i beat myself up thinking that i should have waited until i heard the arrangements for son number two going out from him before i mentioned anything to Master.........
It is hard for both of U/us at the moment to get any quality playtime, as our middle son has disabilities and does not socialise that much, sometimes i just want to tell  him that it is part of my normal life but as i am so noisy in my enjoyment, that i think that it would scare him, besides its not something that parents want to share with their offspring.
i also saw on Master's blog that He had been looking on  a favourite D/s toy shop of mine that sells good quality, well made toys.

i can still remember the first time that the toy, called the Masters kiss was delivered to our home. On opening the package i was a bit dubious at the thought that something made of hemp would deliver any type of pain what so ever ( i was strictly a suede and leather girl before then), but must admit to liking the wooden handle lots and the way the separate strands fell with the tiny tassels on the end

It proved to be deceptive in more ways than  one , and let me tell you those little bits of string have opened the skin on my butt on more than one occasion when they have been used in an intense session. Never again well i say "well that doesn't look as if it will hurt very much to a Master, specially one with a sadistic streak"
i know that Master is on the look out for a special cane at the moment , so maybe i am to try and overcome my phobia of them , and learn to love the painful pleasure that i am told that they give out instead of looking at them as an implement of punishment .  It's amazing how far Master has taken me along the path of our lifestyle that we lead, because at one point in my life i would have been having a bigger wobble than a jelly on a roller coaster at the thought of that, and now i only want it to happen so i can tell if i will like it or not, and please Him as well. i have learnt so much about reaching out and holding His hand when i am not sure about a situation and not just blanking it all together.
As the evening continued i must admit my stupid head got to blaming myself on more than one thought pattern for not being able to have the play session and i saw negative thought patterns start to creep in , i wont even give them page room here , but  , they vanished the moment Master came to bed and held me close to His body so i  could feel cherished and loved skin to skin.
i wanted to stay like that for the rest of the night, but sadly my body had its own ideas and chucked me deep into the land of nightmare, the one where MK walks out of the door and is killed. :-(  Followed by the trip to the hospital to identify the body and seeing the names of the rest of the family on the doors as well, At that point my body woke and i had a mini asthma attack, so removed myself to the other room and lay thinking about yesterdays events in my mind.
Play is such a small part of the relationship that Master and i share, but it gives us both  alot as well, fortunately both of us are old enough to wait till the time is right and not fumble and rush a session. On the best positive note of this day.......... its a new month i didn't get 20 chalk marks on my board so it has been wiped clean in readiness to the even less than 17 than i am going to get this month.
(though it has been pointed out to me March is a longer month than February) but i am sure going to try not to overstep the 20 mark .
hugs and light
and sorry for a rambled post
saffy


the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .