This post is in reply to Master's comment on the previous blog entry that i wrote , in the hope that it will show Him i have thought about it and i also hope it will never reoccur.
Yes the words on reflection might seem strange to You Master, as You were there the very moment the other day when i decided i hated that chalk board. ( okay maybe hate was not a good word .....maybe disliked strongly would be a better one)
The day had started off badly for me with a stream of what seemed criticism from my father about my family and myself and even a bit of it , it felt at the time directed at You. i was not in the best of moods for sleep had been little and even the dog felt as if it was winding me up. i can not explain (still) easy about the fear that decorating instills into me and to have dad on the topic was almost to much ......especially as it would seem the infection is still lurking inside the cavity. One hundred and one things were whirling about my head and i wanted them straight. Amongst that i couldn't take the dog out because of the rain , so she was being whappy, i felt i had let all the family down , i was worrying about one of our son's n trying to fix my mind on the fact it was a shopping day so at least i could escape the turmoil and get away for even a short while from the house.
The You got up, and wham.........no shopping as weather is to bad......escape route blocked........
You knew i was upset , i couldn't tell You why , because i was ashamed and i snapped.......tears and tantrums followed because i was worried , but didn't want to speak in front of son, and , as You know when You added the mark on the board for not answering i wanted to remove the chalk and put it where You could not see it.
Instead as You also know i crushed it out of share frustration, not even realising i was doing so, and by the time i did it was to late.
No matter what is said or done i can not take back that moment and You can not imagine how much the final act of my stupidity hurts me even now. It has not stopped me going back over and over in my mind about the board , the marks and what that means to me. It gave me that conclusion of the previous blog that it was in fact a good thing . ( not my behaviour of the previous day but the actual board and what it was used for. ) That was what my earlier blog was about.
No one can punish me as much as i have and still am about the destroying of something........and i can only say i am sorry from the bottom of my heart and mean it . i cant not turn back time, and i have to learn not to let situations get to me, and when they do , to just blog them or share them with You at the earliest moment.
I accept all i have coming my way with the grace that maybe at the end of the month we can have a fresh start with the blackboard and i will not get so many points.
humbly and with love from the bottom of my heart
saffy
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