Saturday, 16 April 2011

Confusion Reigns or does it?

 The last three days has found me more woolly headed than normal and quite unable to concentrate for any length of time on anything. Why? Because my oldest son is keeps saying that he is going to travel back home (his one that is near his uni not the family one ) and then changes his mind. Not a big thing for most people , and Master and i love having him home , (even though like most young adults, the family home has become the cheapest hotel on the planet, and i swear he takes more home with him than he arrives with.
There was once an episode of my family (an English comedy programme) that my daughter used to watch, where the oldest son used to come home from uni, with a shopping trolley and fill up from the parents cupboards, to take home to theirs..........She ironically said it reminded her of son number one , and she was not wrong.(though my son does not use a shopping trolley to raid the cupboards with)
As i said though Master and i love having him home , however, i also love knowing when he is going
a) because of the food and meals
b) because of the way that it makes my middle son (he is autistic and worships his brother which makes it hard for him when he leaves)
c)because of the knowledge i will have to pick up the bits when he leaves, and sometimes this can be quite traumatic.
 He has changed his mind so many times, my brains are becoming like spaghetti, ( i don't know how to plan meals etc) and i don't know whether to believe him when he says that he will definitely be going tomorrow.......
Master keeps glancing over at me , i know He can feel the tension that is in me and He knows the battle that i am having...........i am trying hard to remain focused and not wobble but i crave stability and it is like waiting for a timer to go off . Yes i guess people can say, get him, (son) to give me a straight answer and keep to it .......i thought of that as well...... but i love having him home, so secretly i am glad he has not gone yet, and so i don't.
Now you see, maybe this is why i am not a Mistress or a leader..........i like my routine......i like things the way they should be  and i like knowing what is going to happen......If i plan an outing or something i have to think what i am going to do and then in general, people will be hard pushed to ever get me to deviate from this .....i don't like asking people to do things for me ........Master calls it my stubborn independent streak.
i have loved being a mum, (and i know i will always be that to our children (and to some that are are not mine biologically) till i die) but as the children have grown into young adults i find my parenting skills are changing to adapt to their needs now.......
i guess this is similar to how Master adapts to my needs  and wants , in the different stages of my growth and devotion to Him..........It certainly seems to be, with stretching and widening my mind, and not letting me stay stagnant , just an object to be picked up for His own gratification . i am blessed that He allows me to study further alternative therapy , and encourages me in my playing my clarinet , in reading ,  and in learning new projects. It is reassuring for me that i am allowed to follow my Wiccan path and recharge my batteries in meditation and the growth of nature. Yet i am still His girl... His slave.......and hopefully i will be for a long time to come.
Sorry for this rambling post............ as i said at the start my head is a little woolly. ..........
happy blogging

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

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