The other thing that i have decided to write while my brain tells me that it is not time to sleep is how i became envolved in a BDSM relationship . I chose this way of life ( or i would like to think that i did ) many years ago .As far back as i can remember i assosiated pain with the wonderful feelings of endorphins that are released and the buzz that follows after you are hurt ( natures way of hugging you better i guess) and lets face it because of my dyspraxia i was always falling over or getting into some scrape or another. I practised self harm ( not something that i am particually proud of now) as well because of some pretty horrific sexual, physical and emotional abuse that occured in my childhood for the best part of my growing up. Least said about that the sooner mended all be it that i survived .
Maybe if it had have happened in this day i would have been able to get help but in those times it was not talked about, and instead swept under the carpet, besides then i would not have been the person that i am now.
I craved someone in my life that would keep me safe and not let things around me harm me and also i craved the release of the feel good factor i could give myself when i was hurting and the ability to not let the pressure of pain build up inside. Over and over again when i was growing up i guess i looked for approval to release in the same way as a person will hug or kiss i wanted pain
One of my first partners was i guess a Master , however i was not wise enough at the time to know this. i enjoyed the playtime and scenes that we had and the sense of routine that he gave me , however i also ran from him because i was scared of letting him have complete control. Our lives were to cross a few times till fate had the final snatching away of Him and he was removed from my life.
After this i craved something that i thought was maybe a dream for me ..i made terrible choices in partners and had a spiral of abusers walk through my life. This coupled with my past and it almost destroyed me , ( the only thing that stopped me falling off this world was by then i had three most precious gifts that were ever loaned to me my children) Still in the back of my mind i hung onto the way i knew my life could be and subconciously i dont think my brain would have settled for a nilla lifestyle.
My family at one point were so desperate about me not going out or doing things they got me a pc and i found what i had been looking for in a shadow form. a chat room with Masters and submissives in it. i in my ignorant state thought that all the men who claimed to be Masters online were , they were i wrongly summissed all practising and had the same ethics as the first Master i had came across. i believed them and craved the control that they had over their so called submissives...yet they were not real. they were as i put a pretty shakey shadow........men wanting to cheat on newly wed wifes , men out for gain for themselves , men out to take what they could get , not knowing one part of a whip or tawse if it were to thwack them. And while i sound a man hater i am not for the females to me were the same ......most had never scened , they would not know the security that bondage or the release that harsh play would and could bring . I guess if a toy was used on them they would run a mile .
I had a few meets ......i lost a very good friend in a Mistress who i had known in real for a long time was bannished from my communication by a wanna be Master ( i was still stupidly under the ideals that all Masters had good ethics ) she presented to much of a threat over his control of me . i had one in my life who fleeced so much money off of me that its suprising i did not go bankrupt.......and then tried to turn me into a project and turn me nilla .
Just as i had about given up hope i was sent by a submissive friend to a web sight where i saw an advert on the site with a poem on it ................i will publish this poem in a minute .
He after communication wanted to talk and then to meet and i had i can quite honsetly say only met one man in my life who was like Him before.........the Master i had lost. In many ways though as i have discovered he was more than the Master i had lost , and he pushed me that much further and still continues to do so three plus years later. he has turned my life around and continues to mold me into what he wants and i am happy to allow this for it satisfies a deep desire inside me and has relit a burning fire. Hopefully if things continue along this path we will marry next year, but in truth i know by the fact that i call Him my One , my Master my whole being ............mind soul and body are already his and have been ever since i became his 24/7 .
For now i think its enough about me maybe another time i will write on my views on BDSM things but for now i am off to read
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