Pain

Pain
When i was a child , i can remember falling over as a child and my Nan scooping me up and kissing me better .... It gave me a sort of warm glow, and although i guess i didnt much like the gash the fall left behind on my knee ( i cant really remember that bit now)  i did like the hug i got from my Nan and the rush of what i now know were endorphins that followed. Over the years, whilst growing up i found myself self harming when i was put in a situation that i couldnt cope with, ( and there were a few), to get that feel good factor back . Nowdays i dont self harm  ( i gave this up a long time ago with a promise to my Man that i would never do it again, as it is dangerous because i can NOT control the addiction to the buzz that follows after i have cut or burnt myself ) Nor do i have the same abusive people in my life as i did whilst i was younger, so i have no need for the release that it gave me in  that context .... though it is not to say i would not ask Master for a spank or soemthing if i wasnt coping with what life throws at me , but i know He would help me to see other ways to deal with it and then reward me with play if i dealt with it, afterwards.
Pain can come in all shapes and forms ....physical, emotional, or mental. It can depend on how a person is feeling at the time, whether they are well or not, or indeed if we are talking play pain, if a person has been warmed up properly or not, if a person will get pleasure from it.
  Personally i like pain in play, and i can think of nothing better than having my backside spanked or indeed my breasts or vagina , i like the buzz from the endorphins that are released at these times , i love the high that i get from the odd hot teaspoon when Master makes a coffee, or the pinch just to let me know he is thinking of me as we sit and watch a movie on the television together. He knows what buttons to push and when He commands something, such as to bend over a work unit, and i get a suprise spanking from a frying pan or another kitchen utensil it brightens up my day.
Dont get me wrong i hate the pain my athritis gives me in my knee and hands ......... There has been many a time that i have been in tears over it. i find it hard to block it out, but i am learning to live with it. and work with what i have.  i thank my lucky stars that i have a good medical team that are helping me with therapy and exercise to keep what mobility that i have.
  I think the reason that i love and accept the pain that Master allows me is because it is controlled by Him and i know that the endorphins that are released will quickly follow the rush of the bite that is first there.  i am safe in the knowledge , that no matter what we play, He will never damage me permanently in anything that we do. I feel relaxed in His presence, and most of all i trust Him.( because of the edge play that we practice trust has to be there or neither of us would get anything from it. )It gives my whole mind and body a release that makes me feel free.
There are also things that i can associate with punishment, that i have a hard time accepting can be pleasurable  because of negative ways that they have been used on me in the past. The mind is very powerful but if you step over the block that it puts up, the rewards can be tenfold.  In our relationship i am willing to bow to Masters superior knowledge of my limits, and allow Him to guide me forward and help me overcome the barriers that my mind makes.( this has not always been the case, but over time, experience of different things has taught me to do so.)
I love a cuddle  and kisses from my Man just as much as the next person but i also like a little extra in the pain that He is so generous to give to me ... It is much the same i would imagine as bowl of icecream.......some people like just icecream.... while others like sprinkles , cream , fruit, nuts or all the above on theirs......i like all the above. ( i am greedy) He doles it out to me and i lap it up.

restraints

Today i asked Master for a word, just to give the blog a little twist on what He might want me to write about. He came out at first with "supercalafragalisticexpalodosish" ,{which probably isnt spelt right} but was not the type of word that i thought i could write with, so i had to explain what i wanted it for, and he gave me the gem you see as the title * restraints*.
I guess that could mean many things as well to people, however to me it gave me an instant picture in my head of my cuffs and collar.........or a nice length of rope bound about the body. i love wearing my cuffs, i have a  thick leather pair that was made for me some time ago by a Mistress friend, along with several different play collars. These, when i am allowed to wear them give me an almost secure feeling ( like a child with a blanket, or a favourite toy) and i become very relaxed quickly on them being put on.
They can be used to fasten me down, but sometimes it is just the bliss of wearing them whilst doing a chore or indeed after a  reflection of an incident..........and they serve as a reminder of who and what i am.
This having said , they are not necessary to make me a submissive ,  for most of the time it is not practical to walk about the streets or the house with this tpye of thing on, ( though i do have a special necklace that to me is symbolic to my posistion to him.) He has the ability to command  to go or stay in one place, and for the most i will obey.........and not go else where without being told to move.  i dont like this that much as it is far harder to practice mental bondage with only words to keep one in the place ........but it is gratifying the same as being tied at the end of it.
See i gave Him the ability and my permission to bind me, whether it is mentally or physically when i became His, and i know He practises  Safe, sane and consensual with me, so i am secure.........knowing that sometimes he may push my buttons and take me out of my comfort zone but also remembering that He is my boss and it is His job to stretch me so things do not become predictable and stale. I love him for this plus the many 100's of other things that He does.

the smallest thing can unlock a tightly closed door.

Silence surrounds me i'm  locked in my world,

The darkness outside starts to approach,

reaching, stumbling, in chaos i am hurled,

and a  lack of concerntration creeps in

thoughts swirling, like a hurricane destroying

 ruining the routine i thought i had

confidence waning, my whole being drowning

As a doubt takes control

Curled in a ball my minds a mess now,

Thoughts spin by out of control,

but in the distance i hear His voice somehow,

like a torch guiding the way in the dark.

Carefully i emcompass the words He gives me,

each one soothing the worries and confusion away,

the mist lifts and at last now i can see ,

The path that is right  for me .

I wanted to try and describe how i felt before i had any routine or instructions to follow , and how in the past depression and self doubt had made me feel like a prisoner. Thankfully, like the words that i used, Master was abit like one of those rescue service people, that find broken down cars, and has started to slowly but surely restore my whole self back to a person i can love and want to cherish

Neither of us can guarantee that my depression will not come back, but at least i know the tools to fight it with and know i do not have to battle it on my own. I consider myself lucky , i have an amazing Man in my life that understands my need for order and a routine , and indeed pain ( but controlled pain). I trust this Person with every fibre in my body because time and time again He has shown me that He can lead me to a safe place where nothing will ever damage me .

safe and secure

The last few days have felt a bit manic to me at our house , but i am hanging on in there because i know that things will get better. I think the worst thing that happened was that i won a big bouquet of flowers for my One in a competition that i entered a few months ago. i had to say why i thought that he deserved them. 
Well i could do that quite easily, posted it off and never thought no more about it .... however when the flowers arrived it had disappeared so far back in my mind that i thought all sorts of silly thoughts. Master being the man that he is told me to read the card and then it all came back to me, for there in black and white was the message that i  wrote for him if i did win. 
Did i feel stupid... yes, very much so... the words that i had sent to the place that was doing the competition were straight from my heart how could i have not remembered writing them. 
Speaking to my doctor today i learn that it is another little gift that my dypraxia gives me , and yes for a person like me to forget it was normal.......however i can not still understand how i cant remember nice things like that at times but the some of the horrors of the past come back to haunt me so easily at times . 
The outcome of this ramble is that more than ever i know how blessed i am to have a Man in my life to give me instructions and a routine to follow. I know he has taken my heart that i offered him and keeps it safe and i can not thank him enough. 
i am safe and i am blessed . 
ps ... he loved the flowers and it is the first time he had received some soooooo  the worst thing wasnt that bad at all :) .

reflections

reflections 

A kind  word , a smile , a laugh,

 Helping another when they are down,

A voice that issues instructions,

And corrects a wrong with just a frown.

Organisation for both now and  future,

plans that when followed can be acheived ,

the voice of reassurance ,

And knowledge that your words can be believed.

Joy in suceeding when i think i cant,

 trying harder cos of your belief in me,

enjoyment now of being whole,

 surrender to YOU has set me free.

the simplist task to perform,

the routine of rules to follow,

the knowledge i am loved and belong,

in luxury of my submission to you i wallow.

Mirth that makes even a bleak day brighter

Saftey in what ever i do

These are some of the things that i love

in my reflection of You

written with love and respect for my One, November 25th 2010 after a chance inspiring word that was said by my sister lisa 

 

just a thought

Today whilst taking my walk i came across a big tree that had obviously been upturned by the windy weather that we have had recently. Its roots were stretching up to the sky , like thin boney fingers trying to snatch the blue out of the sky and make it grey. Its trunk flattening the land about it and the hole that it had fallen from like a giant crater in a gum with a tooth removed from  the otherwise perfect row of trees . about it were leaves that had obviously been blown from a larger oak tree further up the footpath and a bright splash of colour to the darkness of the wet wood.
I love autumn/winter time with its bright colours and the different berries that grow on the bushes hedges and trees....mind you i love most seasons i think it would be fair to say. It made me think that nature is constantly changing in the year , making room for new growth next year, culling out the weak trees , dropping seeds and finding the right plants to flourish in the lands that they arrive on.
Walking further i saw people out in their gardens clearing up fences that had blown over in the storms , i noticed an elderly man digging his plot for next years vegetables , and i saw his flower beds a bit further back full of colour even now due to clever rotational planting on his behalf. I have to smile to myself and think how pleased a robin is that is chitting in the background warning him that a cat is about. In the hedge i notice a small wren and i feel pleased that this little bird is still about , knowing that it has become a rariety the past years.
Then i get lost in another thought .How much is a Master like a gardener........creating his submissive to a perfect combination for Himself , making sure that she flourishes in her surroundings , nurturing her from storms and pruning her bad habits so all her good parts flourish. Growing into a strong yet delicate creation.
I for one am glad that i have such a good gardner in my Master

A blood red rose He gave to her

He said it was a symbol of His love

She held it in her hand so gently

Caressing the petals softly 

And then brought it to her nose

This rose He offered her

Was the sweetest she had ever smelled 

She held it to her cheek

This rose He offered her 

Was the softest she had ever beheld

She held it back in her hand

And looked at it closely 

It was the most perfectly formed rose She had ever seen

She held onto it tighter 

Not wanting to lose something so perfect 

The rose began to wilt

She held it still

Clenching it tighter in her grasp

Not wanting to let it go

Soon the rose turned black

And the petals lost their softness

They became brittle and broke easily

She refused to let go 

Holding on to it tighter

The thorns digging into her palm 

The blood began to run

She clasped it tighter still

Not realizing her pain would end

If she would only let go

One day a stranger came 

He took her by the hand

He saw the blood running from the rose 

That was still clasped in her hand

And slowly He began to pull her fingers back

Taking each finger one by one

From around the rose 

When they had all been removed and her palm lay open 

He blew lightly and the petals blew away

He took the stalk from her palm and threw it away

He cupped her chin in His hand and said

"Little One..You held on to it too tightly.

Once it began to die It was time to let go.

The longer and tighter You held on 

The more pain you caused yourself.

Let Me help You." 

So saying, He placed her hand in His And said to her 

 "Trust me

 

 

 

(this is the poem that brought my Master and i together, to me it is a beautiful worded thing and it speaks volumes of life past , present and future , my only regret is that i do not know the author, however i am blessed to have been able to read such words and for it to indirectly lead me to Him.) 

 

I am what i am

The other thing that i have decided to write while my brain tells me that it is not time to sleep is how i became envolved in a BDSM relationship . I chose this way of life ( or i would like to think that i did ) many years ago .As far back as i can remember i assosiated pain with the wonderful feelings of endorphins that are released and the buzz that follows after you are hurt ( natures way of hugging you better i guess) and lets face it because of my dyspraxia i was always falling over or getting into some scrape or another. I practised self harm ( not something that i am particually proud of now) as well because of some pretty  horrific sexual, physical and emotional abuse that occured in my childhood for the best part of my growing up. Least said about that the sooner mended all be it that i survived . 
Maybe if it had have happened in this day i would have been able to get help but in those times it was not talked about, and instead swept under the carpet, besides then i would not have been the person that i am now.
I craved someone in my life that would keep me safe and not let things around me harm me and also i craved the release of the feel good factor i could give myself when i was hurting and the ability to not let the pressure of pain build up inside. Over and over again when i was growing up i guess i looked for approval to release in the same way as a person will hug or kiss i wanted pain
One of my first partners was i guess a Master , however i was not wise enough at the time to know this. i enjoyed the playtime and scenes that we had and the sense of routine that he gave me , however i also ran from him because i was scared of letting him have complete control. Our lives were to cross  a few times till fate had the final snatching away of Him and he was removed from my life. 
 After this i craved something that i thought was maybe a dream for me ..i made terrible choices in partners and had a spiral of abusers walk through my life. This coupled with my past and it almost destroyed me , ( the only thing that stopped me falling off this world was by then i had three most precious gifts that were ever loaned to me my children) Still in the back of my mind i hung onto the way i knew my life could be and subconciously i dont think my brain would have settled for a nilla lifestyle. 

My family at one point were so desperate about me not going out or doing things they got me a pc and i found what i had been looking for in a shadow form. a chat room with Masters and submissives in it. i in my ignorant state thought that all the men who claimed to be Masters online were , they were i wrongly summissed all practising and had the same ethics as the first Master i had came across. i believed them and craved the control that they had over their so called submissives...yet they were not real. they were as i put a pretty shakey shadow........men wanting to cheat on newly wed wifes , men out for gain for themselves , men out to take what they could get , not knowing one part of a whip or tawse if it were to thwack them. And while i sound a man hater i am not for the females to me were the same ......most had never scened , they would not know the security that bondage or the release that harsh play would and could bring . I guess if a toy was used on them they would run a  mile . 
I had a few meets ......i lost a very good friend in a Mistress who i had known in real for a long time  was bannished from my communication by a wanna be Master ( i was still stupidly under the ideals that all Masters had good ethics ) she presented to much of a threat over his control of me . i had one in my life who fleeced so much money off of me that its suprising i did not go bankrupt.......and then tried to turn me into a project and turn me nilla . 
Just as i had about given up hope i was sent by a submissive friend to a web sight where i saw an advert  on the site with a poem on it ................i will publish this poem in a minute .
He after communication wanted to talk and then to meet and i had i can quite honsetly say only met one man in my life who was like Him before.........the Master i had lost. In many ways though as i have discovered he was more than the Master i had lost , and he pushed me that much further and still continues to do so three plus years later. he has turned my life around and continues to mold me into what he wants and i am happy to allow this for it satisfies a deep desire inside me  and has relit a burning fire. Hopefully if things continue along this path we will marry next year, but in truth i know by the fact that i call Him my One , my Master my whole being ............mind soul and body are already his and have been ever since i became his 24/7 . 
 For now i think its enough about me maybe another time i will write on my views on BDSM things but for now i am off to read

these boots were made for walking

Was met with the news the other day that Master has decided to give me a new rule .......This being that i am to go for a walk around the block, no matter what the weather every single day, starting from the December 1st and if the weather is bad i can leave the dog behind and go on my own. In other words no shirking that part of my exercise . The only let up is if it is snowing really bad out there or raining pretty hard. ( and i guess he is meaning extreme weather here not just your average bad weather.)
I think that the mutt and i are going to cover a fair bit of milage in the next few months and its not going to stop this time, i know this because there was no room for negotiation. He has been fair about it all and said i can start in December , however as the dog and i go out most days i think i will start it from now because i can see the benefits that it will give me. The upside of it all is that i get a new pair of boots for the winter to walk in ......The downside is no matter how i feel or how many excuses my brain comes up with in the bad weather i have to go out.
He is right also that if i lose a day of exercise it is twice as hard to go out the next day and with my joints i can not afford to let this happen as the paramount for them is to keep them mobile and supple. I also have to learn to keep my mobile charged and ready to go out with me (incase of falls or emergancies....not something that i am very good at right now) and i guess i can take my camera out again and start taking pictures of nature and its  ever changing scenes.
Looking at it written down like this i realise that i am the lucky one to have a Man in my life who cares and loves about me enough to place this back in my instructions ( when i first met Master it was a rule He gave me before He lived with me to walk to the train station and back as quick as possible every single day.... )but that lapsed when He moved in.
My rules to me equals my saftey and are like a giant comforter that keeps me secure , i count my blessings that i have a person  who is not afraid to emply them. He can at times be sadistic but i am a masochist so this is good as we balance each other

To my One with love from my heart , mind , body and soul

A slight caress a genlte sigh,

Held close to You, safe and sound,

Stroking  firmer, a touch of pain,

My heart begins to bound.

Orders to follow, body relaxing ,

My soul starts to sing ,

An ember within starts to flicker,

In my ears, Your instructions ring,

Climbing higher, my body's on fire now,

You are the one leads,

writhing in passion, flying , burning,

Your control meets all my needs.

Furnace blazing ,You're always in control,

Like the Master i know You are ,

 Gently cradle me till i land saftely,

 and the heat starts to die from my fire.

Relaxed and spent in Your arms i'm safe,

My head craddled against your chest,

Thankyou Master for my journey,

You really are the BEST. 

Written for my One November 21st 2010

with much love for the gift You gave me

and continue to do.

Well the weather this morning was not foggy like yesterday, nor was it that cold, yet it was in its bleak state, still raining. Our dog looked at me expectantly to go out and i swear she was pouting when she came back in as she knows rain, me and her do not make a good combination for going out in. ( i can not take her out in the rain as i have alot of falls and she has still not got into the habit of NOT puddle diving .)
It made me wonder when i saw her realisation of no walk forth coming for the moment, if i am that easy to read when Master tells me something i dont want to do or i realise that what i want to happen isnt going to. i guess when he reads this he will say yes.
Just lately i am learning the importance (again) of not answering "nothing" when asked a question, and of telling him exactly how it is ......even if i think i am going to get in trouble, because omitting things is a lie and how can he make a sound judgment on everything, if he does not know the whole picture.
Where as i had mistakenly got into the habit of not saying everything .(ie i had a fall and didnt tell him) to try and hide the things that perhaps i need a little more help with, i now know i must tell him everything.
Anyhow as i said this along with my other blips are being worked on and i just hope i can get things right. 

Observation:- Funny how bad habits are easier to do than good ones.

 As for the weather... well the sun has decided to creep out of its cloudy wet blanket and hopefully it wont be to long before the hound and i can go for our walk


 

What a silly 24 hours i have had , ( and yes i am trying not to moan) .
The weather has taken to being damp and foggy, with a bit of cold slung in..........not good for my asthma or body, and i feel like Oscar from sesamee street incredibly grouchy and needing to find somewhere safe to crawl into. However having said this i still crave cuddles from my One and the security that these leave me with ( funny how no matter how old one gets we still like a cuddle when we are feeling low. )
Master seems to have stepped up His strictness but even that has left me feeling safer knowing that i only have to obey the few instructions/rules that He gives me and i will be kept safe by the lifestyle that we live in.  See although i may not like them at times i know that there is not a single thing he has ever asked of me that is not to benefit me and make my life better . 

Well i am not really sure what to write, now i have decided to catalogue this journey that my life is taking me on, however i feel the need to have some documentation on here and some place that i can once again scribble ( all be it using a pc) my thoughts and ideas on the paths that i chose , or am led on.
To start off with a little about me .........i am a female , who follows a lifestyle , that may not be everyones cup of tea, but fits my needs and wants perfectly. I forget how many years it was before i could feel comfortable  . I wont write all sorts of pornagraphic details of my play here , ( so if you are looking for this walk on by) . However what i will try to do is portray a realistic and honest view of a submissive who gives all she is to her One not in play , because that to me is personal , but in day to day tasks, and daily running of our lifes.
Why the picture of a dragonfly? Well they are fairly important and symbolic in our lives , as the first time i met Him, there were loads flitting in the sky, diving about and catching the sunlight on their wings.They were kind of magic to me because they calmed my worries that were whizzing about , and they gave me a focus to look at whilst i waited for His train to arrive. Even now i can not look or see one without thinking of the first time that i met Him.

We are i guess to the rest of the world your average British couple, i have a weight issue that He and i have started to work on , and i need to cure, and a few other health issues . We dont always see eye to eye , and i am having to learn to control my irrational head ( yep i am a bit like worzel gummage folks i often feel as if i have different heads for different occasions.) because at the end of the day he is my boss, the one i have given permission and trust to control my life. Its not easy (though noone said it would be) but for me it gives out the best rewards of love and caring in the world .