a pizza , a closed door and goodbye to those horrid tablets !

 Last night i found myself tired beyond my normal state.... A while ago back i was "given" a decision to come off computer games at a reasonable hour,  to be able to wind down, take my meds , and relax as so to speak before sleep. ( i am constantly thinking that i can add more and more into my life and consequently a decision had to be made) It worked well for a while , until the last few weeks when i have been on a massive dose of antibiotics...........and my routine was shot yet again out of the window. Once again my brain was in over drive and finally came to a crash with a nightmare that O/our daughter had been stabbed , (thanks to a hoodlum on a chat programme threatening to do this to her). Fortunately this wasn't true, and only a dream, but i found myself awake unable to go back to sleep at 4 am  in the morning. (worrying about the hospital visit, and whether the youngest member of O/our family was safe.
i didn't have time to discuss this with Master... i beat about the the bush trying to, and i think various aspects of the worries materialized, and then it was tie to travel to the hospital again. Panicking inside, i made a note that the junior Dr  didn't even know what  problem that i was there for ... this alone made me close off to Him and panic, but, fortunately Master was able to come with me and explained to the Dr what the trouble was..
The outcome is that i don't have to take anymore antibiotics anymore at the moment....there are other problems but that was the main positive one that i am going to hold onto and focus on. So Master left that hospital with a much happier slave than the one that He took in.
A peaceful night was had by both of U/us and i am so happy that maybe soon i will be able to go on more walks etc again, and have ways to recharge my batteries rather than relying on other people. This lasted until when i went to bed when i was met by a noise of a gang of teenagers having a party and getting progressively more and more drunk out the back..... sleep was not going to come anytime soon which was rather hard on me as i was tired , because of the early morning start.
Maybe it was just as well, as we then received a phone call from O/our daughter to say that O/our son needed picking up at 12:30 am at a city near U/us. The annoying part was there was no way W/we could get in touch with Him as He had His phone off ( ran out of battery again) .. so off we went on a 3/4 hour journey, and arrived in good time at the train station .........nearly 30 Min's early thanks to my panic that the train may be early and son wouldn't know we were coming after Him and therefore be  lost in the city.....
On arrival , we said well we would go and get a coffee on the station, but the doors were all locked and apparently not going to be opened until the train arrived in... there was no way to work out if it was on time or not... Thankfully Master spotted a pizza shop and walked me across to buy a pizza ( for son is always hungry when travelling home from France ....) This killed the time enough till the train pulled in. and W/we were able to take O/our late night travel man home .
The sad thing that i spotted , whilst we were locked out of that train station was that there was a young lad , in His early twenty's/ late teens , sleeping rough outside the doors and another over the other side of the car park. i am not so silly that i don't realise that this type of thing goes on.........but it hurts to see young folk with no family about them. It made me realise how lucky  W/we A/all are that W/we have each other and do not have to have to suffer the hardship of sleeping in a door, with only the night sky as a blanket. Not so bad on a hot night , but an awful thought at the coming winter nights , or even in the cold rain.
On reaching home it was not a good thing to discover that the noisy party goer's continued to yell , scream and fight most of the night .... until a certain girl got so fed up  at 5.30 am, and worried that they would wake her Master up, that she marched her arse downstairs out the back............and Shouted at them that she had had enough....and told them to belt up.... shock from those young people must have shushed them.... and it was totally out of character to me.... but it worked and peace reigned for a while.
wishing  all a peaceful day
saffy

ps did i mention no more antibiotics for a while :-)

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

time changes us

Today as i sit at the desk where the PC is, i have allot of thoughts on my mind. Often in the past i have asked myself if i was good enough to belong to a person, once i questioned if the actual lifestyle was right for me, (these days, there is no doubt in my mind that it is) .
When i first was a submissive/slave/bottom , what ever you like to call it , i thought that every ones Master/Mistress was honourable and didn't lie. i was, without a doubt , what Master would call very gullible and green. i learnt the hard way, that you done as you told when your Owner asked you to do something, (even if They wern't about) and what you were told do was what you were meant to do... In general i got great pleasure in obedience and a warm glow at the satisfaction of making a P/person proud of me .
Times change and things never stay the way they are, even if you think they well... Circumstances happen , and i searched for a relationship that was like the one that i had before (ie with the warm glow and satisfaction), but , unwise choices were made , People that claimed to know what they were talking about on the nett obviously didn't. i was lucky in someways that i was only taken for a ride a few times . However my rosy glasses became clouded and i learnt that people were not always as they seem . (who knows looking back maybe i wasnt what i seemed either... after all i wanted real, where many people were content with fantasy.)
Finally Master came along, and i was a bratt, i had this dim distant memory of who i wanted to be , but in my heart of hearts i no longer really knew if it was possible. i have fought my One , (mentally) on issues where i was scared of getting hurt, and i guess some would say that i was a little like a prickly cactus in letting people close to me. Yet He persisted , and kept on loving and guiding me ....
i worked through a mixture of emotions...( i still do at times) but ultimately in these last few years he has taught me that i am still saffy, i am His girl , and i am loved able to love back. The more He trains me , the more i crave for , the more i want to please, but that little imp is still there that gets me into trouble ,... for i am still human after all.
i have learnt it is easier to follow the guide lines  (but it doesnt stop me exploring sometimes with His permission......) i am also learning to bend in the direction He requires and not what i think He does. Life is good, but challenging.  It is where i want to be and of that i am sure for i love the feel of His dominance , it brings me security and safty . i am loved for me , with His help i follow in His footsteps to reach my future, cherished and secure . i no longer want or need to find the girl of the past for He has upgraded me into a better model and now.
Change happens.............It is not always a bad thing
hugs
saffy

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

my comfort zone

This afternoon i have revelled in the luxury of a reminder from my Master that i am His girl......W/we were laying on the bed having a cuddle after Master had playfully swatted my backside with a  rattan carpet beater  a couple of times.......... ( still He searches for a quiet tool to swipe my bum with for maintenance swats throughout the day....) As i lay there i happened to say to Master that His swats hadn't hurt .....(yeah i know , wave the red flag at a bull time ) He replied by grabbing the inside of my thigh and pinching it hard...........so hard i now have bruises of His finger marks on my leg. Not that i am complaining now for these have given me a lovely feeling to concentrate on when my mind starts to wander to not so positives.
Never before have i felt so loved and cherished as i do with this Man ... He is not afraid to give me what my body craves for and as he enjoys giving it to me  there is a complete and perfect balance. Is it wrong to enjoy this pain...? No i don't think so , for it is controlled ad it keeps me focused on good and positive things. i don't have the need to try and control anymore and i feel relaxed and happy , despite all that is going on about me .
hugs to all
saffy



the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

i was sitting here and thinking about things and what they mean to me and how lucky i am to have a Master in my life that spoils me the way mine does.
Today did not started so well for me having taken the dreaded tablets ............(8 more days to go) and feeling the now familiar waves of nausea sweep over me , i tried desperately to escape in a story on the kindle that Master got for my birthday. This little machine  is lighter that a small paper back , yet already holds numerous books.... mostly by classics at the moment, and has become a treasured bit of  hi-tech along with my ipod and PC. i was never much of a gadget girl before i met Master.....i spent ages trying to work out the ways to do things , and even turn on buttons on my PC, but fortunately the above electronic gizmo's are almost fool proof to use. Now i find that i can carry ample books about with me..
The sick feelings and the aches that come hand in hand with the tiredness of the meds are soon lost if i give my  brain something else to concentrate on ...well maybe lost is a tad optimistic , as they are still there , but somehow getting lost in a book makes it a bit more bearable....even if i do fall asleep half the time.
i feel sorry for Master and the rest of O/our family , i don't ask to be yucky and i really hope the next eight days fly by so i can be me again.
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Master never ceases to amaze me in His little ways of reading my body language,things that i think that i have not gave Him an inkling of are often said and brought up as a matter of course before i get the chance to  mention anything. This can be a good thing , however it also has its downsides as well in the fact that i can get almost lazy in my not saying anything, when things are not running smoothly in O/our family home and thus cause myself allot of strife later on.
i would like to think that i have this same body language reading ability that i can preempt Him. Not so, for  so often i am following a sticky trail of what i think i am seeing almost always to come to a dead end. Life would be so easy if i did not try to deviate away from the rules of the house and stuck to my routine.

Just of late as well, i seem to have been pulled up more than once for not saying precisely what i meant. This is proving a lengthy and long lesson for me to learn as i am good at saying what i think others want to hear and not what i feel inside ........( well not on here admittedly) This stems from my childhood when i would try and second guess what my mother wanted rather than have a blazing row with her. Master seems to have picked up on this and is trying to help me (one way or another) to overcome this stupid habit. i feel so grateful that He is looking out for me and caring for me , but it is frustrating as well especially if i get in a muddle with the sentence or words......Time will see if He manages to iron out this latest bad habit, but in the mean time He runs the risk of having a quiet slave (lol)
i will end today's entry on the note that i feel cherished and loved on the amount of strictness that He is showing to me  these days. It is hard to explain , and the more i am pulled back in line, as so to speak ,the calmer and safer i feel. i have yet to work out why, but maybe i aught to just accept and not try to annalise things.
hugs to all
saffy



the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Today i woke up early and had a low moment, after taking the first morning dose of the tablets that i have been prescribed, ( they make me feel tired and sick , but they are doing the job of keeping the infection away whilst the toe heals.)  Whilst i was sitting still waiting for the nausea to pass i could see all the little things that i like to do about the house taunting me and making me feel down because i couldn't  do them. 
my mind is a silly thing when it gets idea's in itself, and i started to feel useless because i knew i was going to have ask Master and the rest of the family to help and i didn't want to.  In the end it turns out i didn't need to ask for Master got up and did the tidying etc......... which hurts me almost as much because it is my place to do it and He does so much already. Brat girl nearly made an appearance as i sat there , and i came perilously close to getting a mark on the board......(maybe that is my inner child crying out because it needs to know that i am needed as before....and yet i don't want to be bad and collect marks.)
And so some time later i find myself on the  PC , writing thoughts  i was listening to Billy Joel singing "just the way you are" Another memorable piece of music that i love to hear Master singing, and means allot to me. Deep inside i realise there is nothing that i can do but rest , if i don't want to return to the hospital for another stay, and i am reminded of a song by Dan Fogelberg , and so i end this blog entry with it ..... and maybe a lighter heart, for i am not alone and the sun will come up tomorrow whether i want or not, and most of all i am loved and cared for by a wonderful family and my Master.

hugs to all 
saffy


the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

love, pain and trust

 i have not been about for a few days because i had to go into hospital to try and get my toe fixed. i have missed reading all the blogs that i visit and  adding a comment or two to them, i have also missed being able to blog, as i have forgotten how spoilt i am being able to type my thoughts, however random and not have to worry if the letters are back to front , or, that  i may accidentally leave the pages i have written where another can read and laugh at them.
i had a pretty rough time in hospital, (though not as rough as it could have been i guess) with a catalogue of things going pear shaped and adding to my already bad phobia of hospitals. However there was one or two things that i made a note of to try and remember to blog about when i returned home, One of them was the song that is above,  a favourite of mine and one that has such deep meaning to me. Master actually played a copy by Bette Midler before i left . Others can interpret it the way that they wish  .........However  for me it holds the message that life , and love, go on and flourish in all seasons ........sometimes it can not be seen , but always there, and that love can be found in all things.
Love was shown to me in a couple of ways while i was there. One of them was by two pairs of birds that were nesting in a little courtyard garden , near where i was staying .... pigeons and  blackbirds.......The pigeons gave me great entertainment the way the male fussed and cooed over its mate, preening each others feathers and looking for all the world that they were kissing at one point. The blackbirds worked tirelessly to feed their nest of young who were obviously hatched and hungry . Both of the feathered friends made me remember that love is in all things about us and helps to contain a balance.
The greatest thing that was shown to me was the love of my Master. It must have been so hard for Him to leave me at that hospital , knowing how He always puts my welfare and happiness first, and to make the journey to visit , showing me that i was not forgotten but knowing that the thing i wanted most was to come home and be with O/our family, and he would not be able to allow this. i know that He is tired and has been trying to get used to meds of His own and the share number of times that He drove there must have really wore him out.
i am so grateful to be home and just have the luxury of typing on a keypad again of being able to reach out and have a hug and kiss ...... of being allowed to just be me and not judged on any disability i have and not have people think that i am stupid  and cant understand . i think it will be a long time before i forget  ( if ever) how much Master shields me from others ignorance from things that they do not understand , and how deeply He does care for me and O/our family.
love and light to A/all
saffy


the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

its hot outside.......................

 Well today has been hot and noisy.... Hot because the sun has decided to be out and there is no clouds... and noisy cos the neighbours have a garden full of children, and she keeps swearing at them. Thankfully it would seem her lad does not live there most of the time now, and this seems to be a one weekly thing, but still i hate to hear language like this.
i am also probably on a low because i am missing Master badly, He is away for a few days, and as normal, as soon as He walked out of the door , my heart felt as if someone has bitten a big chunk out of it . All i can do is keep busy and focused on doing the things He would want me to do if He was here.
The toe that i thought was finally getting better has decided to be a pain (literally) and kept me awake on and off last night . Thankfully Master realised when He came to bed and brought me up painkillers.
i guess really i should not complain about things, as  there is nothing stopping trying to keep to the routine that i use the time that He is here........Its just i know the adjustment will be hard when He gets back , and i may possibly earn a few points .(how ever i am determined not to, and have already started to plan a little list of things to do while He is gone)
It brought home a question that was asked to me once, about whether a person could be a slave/submissive when their owner wasn't there. i know that i can , my submission is part of me , part of my d&a as so to speak, but i think when i am with Master it is amplified...........
hugs to A/all
saffy




the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .