weather still foggy.

 Another day passing by and at least now i have a mobile phone. Tesco's of all places had them in there for ten pounds .. so i actually got one . It sends texts , and makes calls and is not expensive if i drop it or lose it. Now at least i can  be a little independent if i am out, and call or texter people . Now all i have to do is remember to carry it about with me if i go in the garden etc.
On another note life is cold and the mist is still there.... i just cant seem to focus on things at the moment, but at least writing things down seems to give glimpses of colour in this black and white world. Keiko keeps bringing me her bone and dropping it in my lap as if to say "eat this mum it will cheer you up".
i came the closest i have to cutting today , but fortunately a wet nose and a nuzzle stopped me  .. the blades were some that i found on a floor in my bedroom. This may have felt as if it would have let the pain out , but the past should tell me it will be back tenfold and with a loathing towards myself if i did. i am NOT going down that route again.. no one is worth the mutilation of my body . i forget how many years have past since i felt this way and it is a vicious circle. 
The CD of his favourite classical music that i brought him for yule arrived today.. i have placed it out of the way , so i can deal with it when i am stronger. It made me cry when i saw it for that music used to soothe me so much. now i know it will make me cry. They say that love is blind.. well i certainly was for those years.
hugs to all out there
saffy.




the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

fog and a broken rag doll

 Life at this moment seems to be like a thick fog... not the fog that you get in the autumn morning before the sun sneaks through and disperses it..... but the thick sea fog that crawls in from the sea and swamps and suffocates all the goodness about you. Numbing the bones and chilling the heart. Tears and questions whizz about in confusion and the odd one sneaks out in defiance to the fact that despite the fact that you say you are not going to weep any more , they can still escape from the well that is over flowing in you. The dog keeps me sane and is the only thing i can afford to allow in the wall that i am building about me , for none of this is her fault and she gives me unconditional love. Anyone Else's i wait for their help, their chatter to cause me pain and damage the fragile threads that hold me together. i still can not believe he is no longer here, but i know i have to accept he will no longer be back so i can recover. ( half the time i do not wish to .... and yet i know that no one else will look after the dog and she at least i can trust.)
And so i feel broken... like a rag doll, even an orange, (my favourite fruit) i can not eat as it holds memories of him and sharing every single one for four plus years that i have eaten. People in the background tell me what they think, how they think i should behave, and how i am strong...........not for me i am not....only for my hound. How could one man have so much power , and how could i allow that power to nearly destroy me when he went.
Autumn will pass ...........

hugs saffy



the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Pain

 Just  a short post to say, the man that i called Master left me today, after four years of living with each other. i did not know that this was coming, when i asked him why he could not tell me .... but i can not have him back in my life again. i am to fragile from the past and can not allow myself to be hurt again, i have taken him back once ... i would be a fool to damage myself again.
i will try to blog and carry on with my life, but for now i need to repair and grow strong again, if you love a man the way i loved him you do not just stop loving him over night , and now only time will fix the gaping wound he has left behind.
i do not blame him for this, nor do i blame myself.... i just know i am full of hurt and pain at the moment and probably in shock.
hope you have a better week than i am
saffy







the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Its music time ..........................

Years ago i learnt to play the clarinet........This was an answer to a desire that i had to learn a musical instrument..(my bro had learnt the piano and the trombone , whilst he was younger , but there wasn't always money for two lots of lessons, so because i was the youngest and because he was already learning both these instruments ...mine was put on hold.)
 My parents had guests to stay at the farm where we grew up and one of these came back every year, and was the conductor and leader of a  band that played for a local theatre near us. He played among other things a saxophone and a clarinet... and i fell in love with the way he made it almost sing, and talk, through the notes that he got out from it. He encouraged my parents to allow me to learn to play (or i may have never have learnt) and i was the proud owner of a black b flat clarinet.
Reading music and  such like did not come natural to me , and i very often would play by air rather than follow the music that i was meant to be reading . The music teacher that i had was very talented, but said because i continued to do so that  my parents money would be better spent on  other things, as i was playing by air rather than reading the music and although this was not a bad thing , he was honest enough to say that he felt a fraud taking my parents money.
Time passed i learnt to read the music whilst i was playing (well at least until i had learnt the notes) and i spent many hours escaping with trusty musical instrument. Until i had the wrong choice in my life and that person did not understand my choice of escape and so he sold it to fund a gambling addiction, i protested...it was after all  a key of  escape to a very negative part of my life, and he responded to those protests with his fists and by violence. I didn't protest any more.
A few more years past and one of my aunts died. She left me some money, and when i went to buy my son a classical guitar , there in the sale items was a clarinet.. and that day i was selfish and replaced that musical instrument that was sold , with a new one. More years followed and my young daughter and i got to learn new bits of music together , ( for she played her trumpet). This changed the day she left home , without telling us where she was going, because we had told her she was not allowed to go out during the week , she had gone from a straight A student to failing her mock exams.. but she was over 18 and there was nothing  Master and i could do about it. The clarinet suddenly reminded me of her and of the beating and my voice and mouth stopped singing and playing the music. She came back into our lives later on ( three long months)  she had got in with the wrong crowd of people................. but this post is not about her and the past this is about music.
Still i could not sing and i could not pick up my clarinet..... It had to many associations.. and in my mind it could have stayed in its case  ... but Master, being Master, had noticed that i didn't play it any  more and in my revised rules it had this  one that said, 40 mins practice on a Tuesday. i badly wanted to get angry with Him . i badly wanted to scream and hide all the reeds up .... but i knew i had to try.....i knew that this was an order and i didn't want to let Him down either.
Well today is Tuesday.. and i have done over 40 minutes clarinet practice.... i  can not control my breathing so well as i could before and  therefore i can not play allot of the tunes that i used to be able to play. However during that time that i was playing it  , it was like someone switched on a light again and part of my soul lit up. It made sense to alot of things that have been bothering me, and showed me a valuable lesson.
It explained to me that if you don't keep up with a thing, no matter what it is, you can not maintain the balance of the expertise that you have achieved. It explained to me why i was in the past as  a slave such a brat, and had trouble following orders , because  this what had started of as natural before had been removed by inconsistency and negativity . The boundaries of discipline had been removed and i had been like a child in some ways running free but lost at the same time.
i know from who i am that i need a routine and boundaries even now... because of my genetics and because of who i am, these keep me safe. Discipline is needed whilst playing a musical instrument ...and consistency and without these i set myself up to fail. Luckily i have a Master that is not afraid to remind me ... Hopefully with these structures in place, of practice, and consistency, i will become the clarinetist that i was before...
Thank you Master for this new guide line .. i didn't understand it but i believe in a way i am now beginning to.
hugs
saffy xx




the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Chanson D'amour

Chanson D'amour

Chanson d'amour, ra da da da da, play encore 

(song of love, ra da da da da ,play again)

Here in my heart, more and more

(here in my heart, more and more )
chanson d'amour ,ra da da da da, je t'adore
(songs of love , ra da da da da, i love you)
each time i hear, ra da da da da, chanson chason d'amour.
(each time i hear, ra da da da da ,songs ,songs of love)
Ra da da da  da
Ra da da da da
 Chanson d'amour , ra da da da da, je t'adore
(song of love,ra da da da da , i love you)
each time i hear , ra da da da da , chanson chanson d'amour
(each time i hear, ra da da da , songs , songs of love)
every time i hear
(every time i hear)
chanson chanson d'amour
(song song of love) 


In case anyone is wondering why this song and its translation has appeared on my blog, it is because for the past few days i have not been able to get it out of my head, and have been singing the ra da da da piece of it to Master all the time. i didn't know what the French words in it meant , apart from the je t'adore ( i love you), and so Master set me the task of finding this out. 
It has not even got a story lyric to it... but is catchy because everyone can remember the ra da da da da bit, and i think it sounds good. There again i love music of all kinds so this is no surprise to me. There has been alot of people do copies of this song including a rather fun version by the muppet show , where a puppet blows something up every time the ra da da da da bit is sung. 
Another reason i like this song is because of the saxaphone playing in it.... i love the way that it almost songs  and flows with the notes. i don't think that this would sound the same on any other instrument but plan to try it out on my clarinet at a later date. i love music, it makes my heart feel happy and creates energy in loads of positive ways.
Hope all have had a happy and healthy weekend , and will have a good week 
hugs saffy

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

Control and comunication

i had an email from a young man the other day to apologise about something that he had written on a board, which was a direct insult to the people that were trying to give him advice. He had , in my opinion tried to hard to be what others wanted him to be and needed to grow up allot and learn from the advice that was being given to him. (the stuff that i had read was not malicious at him just trying to stop him getting hurt again, as this had happened by his own admission on two occasions before hand. ) i must admit i have not replied to this email...
It did however provoke this responses in my head
How many times had i in the past tried to do things my way, even though Master had given me advice , only to discover His way would have got me there quicker. (it has taken  a long time to be able to let go of my thoughts and ways of doing things.) i am one million times better than i was when i first met Master, yet i know as long as i wear His collar i will still have things to learn and routines and ways to be taught.
Luckily Master realises this i guess, and He continues to teach me........ The lessons and instructions get harder at times , and they are not always what i would want to learn, and yet i continue to grow.
i also learnt, it is not always about the what you say, but about the way you say it..........for instance if i told Master ( and  i don't think i would ever say this to Him) "f off i am not going to do this " for what ever the reason , i do not think that i would be able to sit again, my mouth might actually taste the bar of soap that He threatens me with when the odd word that He does not like slips out, and i would be very lucky to have a Master.
However the past has shown me that if i explain to Master i would like a chance to do things a certain way.... He may or may not listen , ( and if there is a reason why i have asked Him this i know He will listen) It does not guarantee i will get things my own way.  Life is about accepting the good things with the bad .......and this is true with a 24/7 lifestyle as well.
If i was to have a tantrum every time that i didn't like something i guess i would be permanently in a state of anger. Anger achieves nothing... It does loads of damage and can drive away the help that is being offered, For this reason it pays to be in control of ones emotions and try to reflect back the care that my One gives me and act in a way that makes Him proud.
i have come a long way since i first knew Master, i still have a way to go, but i think i can safely say i have never sworn or behaved in an aggressive manor to a person that was trying to help me,  be it before i was collared or since . Nor would i want to want to do so.
hugs 

saffy







the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

a day out

The other week , i decided that Master and i, really did not get very much me time, and wrote to Him to ask for a date . Well today was the day that we went out, and what  a fantastic time we had. We went to sleepy  town nearby O/ours, and Master choose lunch for me at the cafe place. We had a cottage pie and some chips......and i must admit i could not manage all of the chips because the pie was so filling . For those who have not had the pleasure of having it ....it is a bit like a  Shepard's pie , with minced lamb , veggies and gravy on the bottom layer, then this one had mashed potato, leek and cheese on the top. It tasted Divine. 
i like eating in this particular cafe , and i am glad that Master chose for me or i would just have had a salad , which is my normal choice there, and would have missed the comforting hug that this food gave me. Its kind of nice when Master makes the choices when W/we are out, because i never know what i fancy and tend to stick to one thing the whole time.
There was a pleasant breeze blowing in through  the big sash window at the rear end of the cafe but that kind of disappeared when  a couple came in a shut the window with no thought to ask the other customers.... i was glad by this time Master and i had finished and were leaving.
On going outside , i nipped into a florist to get Him a rose , i love buying Master flowers, but the lady said that she didn't have any in , and asked what i wanted it for ........when i told her she found me a white/cream one that was obviously going to go in one of her flower arrangements and said i could have it for free , for keeping romance alive. i was so chuffed. It is not often a stranger does something nice these days , and i would definitely go back in her flower shop and buy flowers again.
Master and i had a lovely afternoon scouring the shops for a birthday card for my son , and in the end we went to a supermarket and got a cake, ( i cant make one as the oven is  not working properly and i have to wait now, to do any proper baking until Friday when we get our new one. ) and a card. i would have liked to get some nuts as well but because of the choccy biscuit incident the other day,  Master said no, when i looked at them to much i was reminded no by a short but sharp pinch on my butt........which reminded me and brought me to heal very quickly.
i love the fact that He is Master strict again, bratty girl is now trying to be good again............and i had  a wonderful day. Even better i have made it to the 4th of October and still do not have any chalky marks on my board ......Maybe this will be the month i don't earn ANY.
hugs to all
saffy



the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

a lesson learnt

  The last few weeks i have taken it on myself to try and do things my way, not consciously but it kind of started to happen when Master was not feeling to good . i get very down when He is ill.... because my maternal side takes over and i want to try and take over doing everything , including making decisions that really shouldn't be mine to make. ( in truth He does not get ill that often, how ever when it does happen, and because He has such a strong influence over me, i miss the control ......every girl likes consistency, and i start to feel like a fish out of water.)
Well enough of the excuses ... because in the cold light of day they are just that, i got really bratty and turned into a green eyed monster , reflecting back on myself that i was not a nice person, because i forgot to communicate with Him. i hid the fact that i was being like this ( i thought quite well) , but on the inside my insecurities were making me think all sorts of stupidity, while on the outside i thought that i was doing a real good job of being me.
All i wanted was for Him to notice, but because i forgot to talk He wasn't sure what the problem was and so the circle continued. i wanted my strict Master well again, and yet when He did get to feeling better i wanted also to control all that was going on about me as well....In truth what i probably deserved was a good cane across the arse a few times and an apology for allowing my imagination to run over time .
i was shown by Him the way i have improved over the last few years, i appreciate the talk and the way that He was able to reassure and calm me once He knew what was wrong with me, and in the future i must try to remember that He is not a mind reader, and a little communication goes a long way. i have my instructions that i can follow and i know that He is adding gradually to these . Thanks Master for being there and sorry that You recovered from  being poorly to  a bratty slave again
saffy

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .

 Today has been a good day.
It really started last night , when Master allowed me to wear my butt plug, this always puts me in a relaxed and submissive frame of mind , but this time i had the added spice of ginger root as well. (that doesn't relax me to well but does make me feel very good) i was sent off to bed and felt good even though my strokes from His devil cane and the added stimulation of a plug and ginger made sure i wasn't to relaxed, and eventually managed to find my way to sleep on my belly.
Master woke me when He came to bed  and gave me a very good play time, and after this i slept really soundly until nearly an hour before my normal get up time. The pain that i was given the night before was still there and set me in a good frame of mind for the rest of the day.
Master had another surprise for me this afternoon though, as the weather is so hot over here , He took me to the beach. It is not commercialised at all and as it was not the weekend or the middle of the summer holidays there were not that many people about. The walk to get there was a bit of a hike, but it was nice because i there were tree tunnels to walk down (where the trees have grown together over the track) and so there was shade as well.
W/we both took allot of pictures with the ipod and camera ... and i had a wonderful time watching the wild birds on the lake nearby as well. Then Master told me to take my hiking boots and socks off and go for a paddle .... ( i have not been for  a paddle in the sea for years.....well at least ten probably more as the children were young last time this happened. ) It was wonderful feeling the sand beneath my toes , and the waves wash and splash up my legs...The water although cold to start off with soon felt warm and even when i got splashed by a wave my dress soon dried when i came out of the sea.

All to soon it was time to go home, but i really enjoyed this surprise day out with Master and the fun that we had The sea and beach is a special place for me and i am blessed that i had such a magical time. If i didn't have Master with me i don't think that i would have paddled in the sea , and i am truly grateful that He instructed me to.
Thanks for a brilliant 24 hours Master i love you
saffy






the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .