all debt paid up, now i can swim not sink.

Yesterday was not a perfect day, nor was it a time that anyone would possibly want to go through in the run up to the holiday season,(nor i guess at any other time of the year if i am honest)
. Master was kind enough to take time out of O/our busy schedule, to drive me over to the church and place flowers on my mothers grave. Then, rather than get flack for not talking to a family member who lived nearby , i asked if we could go and visit him.
i was left wishing that i hadn't have bothered, and feeling like a complete useless human being... No, it was nothing that my Master done, it was the negative attitude of the family member that W/we visited. Once again i felt like a child, lost and alone and above all pouring all the blame on my shoulders for that family members rudeness and inhospitably. He managed to place the blame on my shoulders for his inadequacies and left me with a feeling that i was being emotionally blackmailed and held to ransom. This person then ceased to be my childhood hero, and fell from his pedestal. i no longer trust him, and yesterday the daddy's girl that i was ceased to exist and i grew up .
After this all Master has just held me ,  things seemed really foggy again. It had taken Master a long time to guide me away from blaming myself over my mother and the way she was to me , let alone another person heaping on the guilt... He listened to me talking and crying , held me more... and finally today the feelings fell in place. i am not responsible for my parents , or the way that they behave... nor was i ever. i can not change my father's attitude.. the choices that he is making to damage his health are not caused by me.. they are his choices.
It will never stop me from loving them.. they were my parents..one still is... BUT i deserve a chance to be happy and not twisted up with other peoples guilt. Today i made myself a promise to move on from the mess of my childhood and build a stronger and healthy future with Master and i. For now i am going to have a good holiday and celebrate it with people who deserve to be there with me, and thats the way it will remain for the rest of my life.
As if to affirm that promise , Master finally had time to give me my cane strokes i have earnt so far this month..(the boys wwent shopping)  The  fog has lifted and i  feel safe again. i know that He is looking out for me and loves me and this is all that matters.
hugs to all
saffy

the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .