When this post first started to form , it was going to contain goodbye old year, and all the negative things that have happened in it. It was going to be a slammed door, and joyous feelings of leaving all those bad things behind .... the opening of a fresh present, of the New Year. It was ... but it isn't now.... For Y/you see the past year (and of course all its happenings) has actually taught and reaffirmed values... It has given stronger messages than any P/person ever could..and above all it is leaving the family unit , in this house , stronger than ever. For it has shown that just because a P/person is born in a family, it does not mean that T/they will fit for the ever...that some of the best family to be found are actually the friends that Y/you pick Y/yourself, and that there are very few, when the chips are down that will stand by Y/you unconditionally and still be at Y/your side at the end of the journey. If Y/you are lucky enough to have them, remember to do the same for them if T/they ever need it. Sooooooo Goodbye.... and thankyou 2011 and lets look forward to 2012 in the hope that it teaches lifes lessons so well. hugs to A/all saffy xx
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
What a fantastic day.........The turkey was wonderful , as were the veg.. the whole family helped one way or another with the dinner, and there has been much laughter and happiness in O/our house today. Master and i have had a peaceful day, and i have been very content with my backside smarting due to my prechristmas swats that i got with O/our carpet beater yesterday. ( it still throbs wonderfully and has nice neat stripes on it, my bottom that is not the carpet beater... )
Both Master and i had a little giggle at the candles that were on the table, W/we both had the idea that the pools of wax gathered in them would have made nice playtime. Sadly not today,...... but maybe another time when the house is not so busy.
Have a wonderful rest of the day , i hope Y/you all got nice gifts...
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
Yesterday was not a perfect day, nor was it a time that anyone would possibly want to go through in the run up to the holiday season,(nor i guess at any other time of the year if i am honest)
. Master was kind enough to take time out of O/our busy schedule, to drive me over to the church and place flowers on my mothers grave. Then, rather than get flack for not talking to a family member who lived nearby , i asked if we could go and visit him.
i was left wishing that i hadn't have bothered, and feeling like a complete useless human being... No, it was nothing that my Master done, it was the negative attitude of the family member that W/we visited. Once again i felt like a child, lost and alone and above all pouring all the blame on my shoulders for that family members rudeness and inhospitably. He managed to place the blame on my shoulders for his inadequacies and left me with a feeling that i was being emotionally blackmailed and held to ransom. This person then ceased to be my childhood hero, and fell from his pedestal. i no longer trust him, and yesterday the daddy's girl that i was ceased to exist and i grew up .
After this all Master has just held me , things seemed really foggy again. It had taken Master a long time to guide me away from blaming myself over my mother and the way she was to me , let alone another person heaping on the guilt... He listened to me talking and crying , held me more... and finally today the feelings fell in place. i am not responsible for my parents , or the way that they behave... nor was i ever. i can not change my father's attitude.. the choices that he is making to damage his health are not caused by me.. they are his choices.
It will never stop me from loving them.. they were my parents..one still is... BUT i deserve a chance to be happy and not twisted up with other peoples guilt. Today i made myself a promise to move on from the mess of my childhood and build a stronger and healthy future with Master and i. For now i am going to have a good holiday and celebrate it with people who deserve to be there with me, and thats the way it will remain for the rest of my life.
As if to affirm that promise , Master finally had time to give me my cane strokes i have earnt so far this month..(the boys wwent shopping) The fog has lifted and i feel safe again. i know that He is looking out for me and loves me and this is all that matters.
hugs to all
saffy
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
Today has been a really good day, (despite the wobbly start). Master took my middle son and i out to get the last few bits and bobs that we needed to celebrate the rest of the holiday season (apart from the rest of the food and that comes tomorrow). W/we went to a city near us, and although i thought that W/we got there early, W/we ended up milling about in crowds of people, who had obviously all had the same idea. Despite this fact... i loved being there and seeing all the different things.... Master got me a new hat.. as my bald patches on my head where getting cold...(i will be glad when the hair decides to grow back again,)and this also stopped people looking so much. (its probably in my mind that people gawp at it...but even so i will be glad when it is back to normal again) There are so many different shops and stalls to look at there it makes your head spin, but some nice things that i saw , included homemade dried fruit ropes...( citrus fruit etc strung up on a piece of rope) some really nice chests of draws and hanging mobiles... ,There were cushions with sayings on them, picture frames made out of wood in the shapes of hearts , all different oils and incenses......... i think however the best thing, in my opinion , was a man that looked like a statue of charlie Chaplin......who periodically made a movement and spun his cane.. It made me feel nervous at first , because i thought to start off with it was a statue.. and also i was a bit dubious of the cane as well.... but it was a truly magical thing to see and i wish i had have taken my camera with me. ( yup it was once again forgotten) W/we all had lunch at a Chinese noodle bar... and i have to say it wasn't a patch on the ones at China Town in London, but it was still quite nice...Master got me rice, chicken in black bean sauce and something else that i didn't know the name of but it tasted good. After this Master decided that because my knee was aching it was time to go back home.......i am glad that i made the effort to go though.. ( i did start off by saying that maybe i didn't want to go to Master yesterday)It was a busy but pleasurable memory . hugs to all saffy xx
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
A very happy Yule to A/all Today it is winter solstice, and i have the best gifts that a girl could want. They are, a warm and secure home to live in, ( so many others about U/us do not have this luxury) Food and drink , health,(although not perfect, there is far more people about me who have worse) and the love of my Master . Love, saftey and security , the most valuable things that cost nothing but a little time , and commitment. This season i am indeed blessed. And to top it all now the days will start to get longer and the nights shorter....i am looking forward to this, for the greyness of the last month seemed bleaker than usual. hugs to all saffy xx
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
Sitting here, i am listening to music with Master, and trying to stop myself from feeling sleepy and wanting to curl in nap. i feel a kind of content wrapped about me, like a warm fuzzy favourite blanket, that comes from a person that is happy, and at peace with the way their life is at the moment. i know that things are not perfect still over the way that some people are over O/our relationship, but as Master tells me everyone is entitled to an opinion. The weather is getting cold outside again and their is frost on the ground most mornings when i wake. It makes the outside look like a winter wonderland that some child has carelessly spilt glitter over , and this morning when i woke there were also diamond stars and a thin moon staring at me from the sky as i looked out of the window . ( the dog has taken to sleeping in at the moment...she does not like the cold mornings ...kinda funny that for a husky) Master's care of me seems deeper and more secure and i feel like a Caterpillar in its cacoon, safe and protected until i am ready to dance again as His butterfly. For now i am content in just serving Him ... and the care for the rest of the world will just have to wait. Thank you my Master for caring and loving me. hugs have a great day all saffy
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
Today has been a cold , but deeply satisfying day for me. Master decided that instead of going to the food shop today that we would go and get some of the presents that i wanted to buy, and have a morning out at the little seaside town near me. It was bitterly cold, and i felt tired when W/we left from the Dr's but i have to say that i think all three of U/us had a wonderful time.... (yes my middle son came as well) He brought a few surprises, for presents for people, and quite enjoyed picking things out for Master. i am proud of him. i managed to get a few bits and bobs that i needed ... and then Master took us to a shop where W/we had an over indulgence of hot chocolate with all the trimmings on it and chips and a special burger thing for lunch. i don't think i have had a more wonderful tasting hot chocolate for a long time. It was heavily dosed up with mini marshmallows.... a flake and whipped cream. and we had long spoons to reach inside the glass mug. W/we have left the food shop until Friday now... and i know that there will be other times that i have to go out as well... but i feel that i had a good time today and coped reasonably well until i got tired. Thank you Master for a wonderful surprise.. i love You . saffy xx
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
This morning was a bit of a muddle for me ... i think that senior moments for myself are arriving early. It started off by looking at the calender and seeing that i had a Dr's appointment at nine this morning...All well and good Master and i set off a good time and managed to arrive before the allotted hour to book me in, only to find that the computer wouldn't allow me to... A trip to the receptionist and i was told that my GP was not here today...(but it said nine in the morning for Tuesday i was sure.)A quick glance at the computer list by the reception lady and the problem is solved..... i am 24 hours early.....
i felt stupid.......but mistakes happen i am told by Master, and as so not to waste an entire morning Master and i go out for a coffee and to do a spot of Christmas shopping and manage to grab a book that O/our oldest son has wanted by Jamie Oliver.... This may be a mistake as now we might get all food designed by him , which is not so bad ..(it could have been Heston Blumenthal, now he does do some pretty odd dishes.)
Searching for the middle ones gift proves to be more of a problem .... he wants lounger pants.. but he has long legs and try to find the right waist size and leg combination was pretty hard.. i feel a trip to the larger towns coming on.
i am happy because i manage to grab a new enamel pie dish.. no more breaking them when my hand gives way now... and i can now make Master and the rest of the family a nice chicken and mushroom pie for dinner tomorrow. ( the smallest things please me these days when they enable me to do things for the One that i love.)
After a cold but satisfying shopping trip neither of us feel that the morning was wasted and so i come in, look at the calender and see that the appointment must have been written down wrong in the first place for there it is in bold ink for all to see.....Dr's nine am ...Tuesday 13th December. Still it could have been worse ... it could have been the day before.
hugs to all hope that your days are all going well
saffy
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
For a while now O/our outter rim, of some of the family circle, have been making waves about Master and myself's life. Suddenly everyone has become the worlds best advisor on how to make a relationship work (or not, as the case might be.... the trouble is they look at it through the eyes of a vanilla ), and this in itself would be all well and good, if they didnt put conditions on things and think they knew me and what makes me tick.... (however well meant their advise is , i wish that they would just butt out at times.) It is hard ... they dont understand the dynamics and guidelines that Master and i live by and they do not see the whole picture. (Even if they did i guess that they still wouldnt understand as it would be (to them) like putting a square peg into a round whole........It just would not fit . )
So although Master and i are back on track, and the close circle of family about us seem to be able to see how much happier i am.... The war with the outter family member's rages on. The sad thing is they are failing to notice my unhappiness at their negativity and babred comments, They do not seem to care that their words and their actions damage me (this abuse to them is ok) All their actions will do in the end is drive me away from them....It is a sad and mixed up world that we live in .....
The only person that i have to take notice of , is Master, and follow His advice and lead, and hope that one day they will understand... In a particular heated phone call , full of well meaning advice, (seeing how stressed i was) Master came up beside me and just cuddled me and stroked my head.... comforting and reassuring me ..and letting me know He supported me. "sometimes words are not needed". If only all people realised this.
hugs to all.
saffy
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
It's dark outside, it's just gone five in the morning and i am sitting here in the computer room, catching up on blogs and generally maintaining my computer with scans etc at the same time. , it is hard to imagine the battle that has gone on in Master and my life the past month or so, and all the world in this neck of the world feels peaceful and in general is fast asleep.
The house's that have "grown" garish lights over the past few days have yet to be burst into colour (i would hate to have some of the electric bills that those things must produce) and there is a simple quiet that envelops me like a hug, knowing the hustle and bustle of the day is yet to start, and the family i love is fast asleep.
i can not believe it is nearly yule again...... The days in the year have passed so quick and as usual i am far behind on O/our preparations.... and yet as i sit here and type this i wonder what happened to sense of mystery and magic that use to there when i was younger.....
i remember it used to be a kind of ritual to go and pick the tree, as a family we would all set of in the car.. and my father would pick what he considered the best shaped and looking tree for celebrating the season... (He also brought a blue cedar tree on one of these journeys... that was planted when my brother and i were younger, and is now far taller than both of us put together, and festooned with colourful lights most of the year.)Then we would pay the old man at his shed/hut and proceed to drive home where it would stand in wood shed until it was time to bring it in and decorate it
Decorating the tree never fell to my hands.... i did not have the sense of balance that goes with the job to make the tree look splendid,and instead i got to watch from the side lines as the sparkly objects were unpacked and placed on the spiky branches.....So many of them there were , for my parents had collected them since they were children........some of them sure not to pass the strict safety regulations that we have in place now ....The end job was always toasted by switching on the lights.. Dad with his glass of scotch, mum with her asti... and us kids a glass of ginger wine.
Now the Christmas ah i can not call that this any longer..( the holiday trees even) are out in the shops it seems in October.. my Son and i even spotted a card in September this year... and the world seems to find buckets of money and fight over the last turkey and orange. It is sad that such a magical time has passed on to be replaced by to so much stress.
So for now , i plan to have some peace and quiet time, meditate on the good things that Master and i have in O/our lives , and ignore the hustle and bustle of commercialism. i have the best gift a girl could want for her Christmas, and that is Master here with me, and the feeling of love, security and peacefulness that He gives me unconditionally. Have a good and peaceful day all..... i know i will.
hugs
saffy
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
Saturday, 3 December 2011
One of the nice things about today has been the fact that Master has allowed me to catch up on some much needed sleep , and forget ( well maybe not forget maybe bypass) the routines and tasks. For the last few days i have had a bladder infection , which has made it painful to walk, move even get up and down... and the antibiotics have dulled the pain but turned everything into a nice bright green colour at bathroom time.
Part of the things i have learnt in the past months is that as much as i dont like not getting my chores done etc....The world wont stop spinning because of this...This doesnt mean that i am not stressed about it.. just the stress level has turned itself down abit and reassurance and a kind word from Master has kept me focused .
Something to think about though....if i love pain (which i do) why am i not enjoying this one... lol
hugs to all
saffy
the light of a candle is never lessened by lighting another .
